Do you or your partner often have a whole bottle of wine a night, every night? Has your family often used substances to cope with stress or to connect emotionally? Have you unintentionally enabled your partner in the past?

In today’s podcast, we are joined by Carly Herbert. Carly is not only my good friend but she is also my Clinical Director here at Outside The Norm Counseling. Join us as we discuss and go more into detail about the 5 common mistakes couples make when one partner struggles with addiction.

Meet Carly Herbert

Carly Herbert is an LMFT and a CATC-4. Carly graduated from Cal State University of San Bernardino in 2012 with a BA in Psychology.

She also attended California Baptist University in 2014 with a Masters in Counseling Psychology. To further her knowledge in helping with addiction she attended San Bernardino Valley College and obtained a Certificate in Drug and Alcohol Studies.

Carly is married to her childhood sweetheart for 8 years and they have one beautiful daughter who is full of life. She is also trained in Emotional Transformation Therapy which helps clients relieve trauma. Carly absolutely loves helping her clients live their best life and being a part of their growth is the most meaningful experience for her.

Connect with Carly on LinkedIn.

In This Podcast


  • Understand use versus abuse
  • Overlooking family patterns
  • The 5 common mistakes

Understand use versus abuse

The amount of “use” can be a big indicator of whether or not someone is addicted to a substance, from drinking one glass to a bottle of wine a night to drinking one beer to a whole six-pack.

If someone is using habitually every single day as a coping mechanism – they feel they cannot live without this substance in their system to operate – they are having a full-on physical addiction. (Carly Herbert)

Abusing is when a partner uses a substance and it becomes triggering for their spouse. One beer or one glass of wine a night doesn’t create addiction, but it does create abuse of the substance.

Is this substance or activity a part of your decompression at the end of the day? Is it how you self-regulate?

If you’re utilizing the substance as a part of your routine, there is an emotional addiction. (Carly Herbert)

Overlooking family patterns

Look at the habits of your family as well as your extended family. Does your partner’s family connect only when using substances?

Do your in-laws drink a lot? Do your family use substances to connect, speak honestly, or relax?

The 5 common mistakes

1 – Shaming
2 – Enabling
3 – Social norms
4 – Past triggers
5 – Communication barriers

We want to believe that our partner is fine and they are going to maintain sobriety. However, as you said, sobriety is for the rest of our life. (Carly Herbert)

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Meet Veronica Cisneros

Veronica Cisneros | Empowered And Unapologetic PodcastI’m a licensed therapist and women walk into my office every day stressed and disconnected. As a mom of three daughters, I want my girls to know who they are and feel confident about their future. I can’t think of a better way to help other women than by demonstrating an empowered and unapologetic life.

So I started  Empowered and Unapologetic to be a safe space for women to be vulnerable and change their lives for the better before she ever needs to see a therapist.

Whether you listen to the podcast, join the free Facebook communityjoin the VIP community, or attend our annual retreat,  you’re in the right place. Let’s do this together!

Thanks for listening!

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