What are the consequences to yourself and to your marriage when you constantly avoid conflict? How does avoiding conflict actually lead to a bigger explosion of emotions? What happens when you listen to understand, not to reply?
In this podcast episode, Veronica Cisneros speaks with Sanjuana Saenz about avoiding conflict, why you need to stop doing it and how it’s impacting your marriage.
Meet Sanjuana Saenz
Sanjuana Saenz is a 39-year-old woman, married for 12 years with tons of hobbies. She has a Doctorate in physical therapy, she admits that she practices this every day with her family.
Her hobbies include baking, cooking, crafting. She is a stay-at-home mom currently attempting to master online schooling. She is an avid spinner and loves her Peloton bike.
In This Podcast
- Avoiding conflict but keeping tallies
- Miscommunication to mindreading
Avoiding conflict but keeping tallies
People who tend to do whatever they can to avoid confrontation will not express their needs for fear of starting any type of disagreement. This happens even if they are genuinely feeling frustrated that their partner or children are not helping them, despite the fact that they may have been offered the help.
There’s so much you’re doing and what we don’t realize is that we’re kind of keeping a tally of all the things we’ve done, with some expectation that they’ll either appreciate us, support us, validate us or even acknowledge it. (Veronica Cisneros)
People who avoid conflict still experience the frustration and it slowly builds until they explode into an argument due to minor friction with their partner, where all the pent-up emotions bubble over.
When this happens, the conflict actually started not when you began arguing, but instead the first time that you compromised yourself.
Miscommunication to mindreading
Those who avoid conflict may try to imagine what the other person is thinking to avoid having to ask them outright, which could lead to friction and so they try to read their mind and imagine what they are thinking, and this is not possible.
Ask yourself, what is wrong with conflict? It is unpleasant, but it is healthy.
Conflict in a marriage is healthy. It’s based off of you guys both being able to share your thoughts, your feelings and your stances and being able to come together, not where you’re holding this resentment that you just let blow over. (Veronica Cisneros)
Often at the end of the day for most arguments, it was an issue of perspective. That is why listening to understand instead of listening to respond is important, because otherwise we get caught up in being right instead of understanding where our partner is coming from.
- The 5 Mistakes to Avoid for a Healthy Marriage: Mistake #1 | EU 47
- Marriage Mistake #2: Veronica & Her Girls Talk about Self-Worth and The Consequences of Putting Yourself Last | EU 48
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Meet Veronica Cisneros
I’m a licensed therapist and women walk into my office every day stressed and disconnected. As a mom of three daughters, I want my girls to know who they are and feel confident about their future. I can’t think of a better way to help other women than by demonstrating an empowered and unapologetic life.
So I started Empowered and Unapologetic to be a safe space for women to be vulnerable and change their lives for the better before she ever needs to see a therapist.
Thanks for listening!
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Empowered and Unapologetic is part of the Practice of the Practice Podcast Network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you thrive, imperfectly. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom Podcast, Imperfect Thriving, or Beta Male Revolution, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.