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Do you struggle juggling home tasks with your partner? How can you navigate the tense conversation between who needs to pick up the slack? Would you want the same kind of marriage you have for your kids?
In this repurposed podcast episode, I speak with Billy and Brandy Eldridge about why one person is stuck managing the family and what can be done to change this.
Meet Billy and Brandy
Brandy Eldridge is a nonprofit executive director where she and her team provide services for abused and neglected children.
She was a school administrator holding a superintendent and principal license. Brandy now serves various committees in her community and state.
Brandy holds a Masters degree in Educational Leadership from Park University where she is currently a doctoral student at the University of Southern California. Brandy is also a consultant and speaker.
Billy Eldrige is a private practice owner and therapist who focuses on working with adolescents and men who would rather be anywhere than counseling.
Billy believes you can find light in the darkest of situations if you are willing to take the time and look. He received his Masters Degree in Clinical Mental Health from Texas A&M University Texarkana where he is an adjunct faculty member for the counseling graduate program.
Visit their website and connect on Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn. Listen to their podcast here.
In This Podcast
- It’s not his fault that you refuse to put yourself first
- If you want him to do it, let him
- Details on the course
It’s not his fault that you refuse to put yourself first
It is a tough pill to swallow because it is so much easier to be angry at someone for not doing enough when in fact you do not give them the chance to do more, and you take everything on yourself.
You haven’t allowed him, you haven’t given him the opportunity to learn, you haven’t given him the opportunity to screw up and learn. You haven’t taught him, so you just did it. (Veronica Cisneros)
This does not mean that women have to teach their men everything. Men and husbands still have to take the initiative and notice where and when they can help and offer to help even when they are not sure about how to do something.
Men and husbands are adults too and need to remember that they can try things even if they are new, they can help their partners and they can take the initiative without having to wait for their partners to call on them to help.
If you want him to do it, let him
As moms, we’re attempting to avoid any form of judgement with regards to parenting or with regards to how we are as a wife because we hold those titles very dearly and that represents who we are as a person. It encompasses our entire self-worth which we need to step out of. (Veronica Cisneros)
You never needed to supervise, you needed in fact to let go of the urge to control everything because you want everything to be perfect.
When you hand over tasks to your partner who is not used to handling them, there will be close calls and lots of mistakes, but they will pass and your partner will learn.
When you think about the state of your marriage, whether good or bad, think about your children and imagine them being in similar marriages like the one you are in now: would you be glad for them or worried for them?
Details on the course
Reignite Your Marriage By Cutting Through Communication Barriers: Finally feel Supported, Appreciated and Understood
I’ve been getting a lot of questions from married women about how to effectively communicate with their husbands. This course would provide expert advice and easy-to-use strategies to help women connect with their husbands feeling understood, supported, and more importantly feel connected. A 5-week online course with an outlined workbook and exercises for you and your husband to do together. We will meet weekly and there will be live group coaching calls and so much more.
I want to personally invite you to be one of my 15 founding members for the online course, here’s what you’ll get:
- Reduced price now as a Founding Member, only pay $197 (As of 4/6 Course Price will be $297)
- 5 Week Online Course
- Expert Advice & Easy to use strategies
- Weekly Meetings and Coaching Calls
- Lifetime Updates
- Bonuses and so much more
- Course Start Date 5/10/2021
Click here to sign up as a founding member of my course
- How to Master Your Personal Finances with Audrey Denholm | EU 57
- Download your FREE workbook HERE – THE 5 MISTAKES TO AVOID FOR A HEALTHY MARRIAGE: TIPS FROM A THERAPIST
- Sign up for the VIP membership
- Join Our Girl Gang
- Empowered And Unapologetic Free Course
Meet Veronica Cisneros
I’m a licensed therapist and women walk into my office every day stressed and disconnected. As a mom of three daughters, I want my girls to know who they are and feel confident about their future. I can’t think of a better way to help other women than by demonstrating an empowered and unapologetic life.
So I started Empowered and Unapologetic to be a safe space for women to be vulnerable and change their lives for the better before she ever needs to see a therapist.
Whether you listen to the podcast, join the free Facebook community, join the VIP community, or attend our annual retreat, you’re in the right place. Let’s do this together!
Thanks for listening!
[VERONICA CISNEROS]: … even more, what really, really, really, if you want to know what really made the change, I don’t want my daughters, I have three daughters, I don’t want my daughters to have a marriage like this. So ask your audience. Do you want, if your kids were to be in the same relationship as you, would you praise them or would you pray for them?
[BILLY ELDRIDGE]: Wow.
[VERONICA]: Have you ever thought, “How did I manage to lose myself?” Being a mom is so hard, especially when we’re feeling stressed and disconnected. We exhaust ourselves trying to create this perfect life for our family. You deserve to enjoy your marriage and your kids without the stress perfectionism brings. I am going to teach you how to identify who you are outside of all of the roles you play.
Hi, I’m Veronica Cisneros. I’m a wife, mother of three, and a licensed marriage and family therapist. I am on a mission to teach women just like you, how to become empowered and unapologetic. Welcome to our girl gang.
Hey ladies. Welcome to Empowered and Unapologetic. I’m your host Veronica Cisneros. So I have to just be straight up with you guys. I’m totally switching things up. I probably drove my team crazy. Here’s why. I did this interview today with both Billy and Brandy of Beta Male Revolution podcast and I have to tell you, this episode is absolutely amazing. Brandy was crying, Billy was in fetal position at one point, it was just so great and I had to share it with you. So I begged my team to please, please, please make this happen. And they did. So I’m super excited to share this with you. Grab a pen and paper because you are for sure going to want to take notes.
[BILLY]: Hey guys, we’re here today with Veronica Cisneros, sprinting out, hanging out and we can’t wait to talk to her. She is a wife, a mother of three and —
[BRANDY ELDRIDGE]: A strong female.
[BILLY]: A strong bad-ass female. She has the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast, which we love. Veronica, how you doing today?
[VERONICA]: I’m doing good. Thank you so much for having me.
[BRANDY]: Thanks for being here. I’m excited to talk to you because everything you say and do I feel there’s a lot of us women that relate to you, but I think it’s also good to hear our partners because you give a viewpoint they may not see, or they just hear it from their wives all the time and think we’re just [crosstalk].
[BILLY]: Today I get to sit back and get a window in to a world I need to better understand. So I can’t wait just to listen. I’m sure I’ll have some comments, but, tell us a little bit about yourself, where you are, what you do and what you’re passionate about in the world.
[VERONICA]: Absolutely. So I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist. I am the founder of Empowered and Unapologetic podcast, as well as the Empowered and Unapologetic Facebook group. So my mission has been basically to help women step outside of their comfort zone, more importantly, connect with their husbands, reignite their marriage and reclaim their identity because I see a lot of women get stuck in this loophole of attempting to be everything and spin all of these plates and they’re left feeling resentful, overwhelmed, frustrated, and they know they want something better, but they just don’t know how to get it, or even what it is. So they’ll walk around with this fake smile saying, everything’s fine as long as my family’s fine, everything’s fine as long as my house is clean and they’re walking around with this cloud over their head. And although they have every reason to be happy, they feel miserable and they don’t know why.
[BRANDY]: Go for it girl. Go, let’s do it.
[VERONICA]: Yes, right? Let’s do it. Let’s do it. That’s what we’re here for.
[BRANDY]: Man, that feels like you just read my book just, wow. Well, tell me more about that. Let’s go there [crosstalk]
[BRANDY]: Yes, just that feeling of how do you do it all? How do you get it all done and still have an energy to act like you care about other things when you just don’t at this point and just having this feeling inside of like the hamster wheel is this it? I get every single day, it’s the same thing. It’s working, coming home and working, going to sleep with a thousand things on your to-do list and never getting to reprieve because the next morning you wake up and it’s the same damn thing.
[VERONICA]: Yes. Yes, I’m going to tell you right now, that’s quite normal and totally been there. Totally been there. I remember when we lived in New York and my husband was in the military and we were getting, he happened to stay in later because he’d usually leave at like five o’clock in the morning. This day in particular, he had a doctor’s appointment so he didn’t have to go in until about nine. So he was able to help me with the kids and it was like, he went straight to getting himself ready. He went straight to getting himself ready and it’s like, “Okay, what the hell? Like we got kids and Brooklyn’s already coming in, everybody’s coming in to get everything they need and what about me? Like I don’t, how did you get to pick yourself so quickly?” Like without skipping a beat. And he did it without any remorse, without any guilt, and so I’m not going to lie, I started following him and I was like, “Well, fuck that. I’m going to start brushing my teeth too and I’m going to take a shower. I’m going to run the water.”
And I’m looking at the time, the entire time I’m looking at the time, because I know we’ve got to get these kids to school soon. And it was like, “Well, I’m going to do this.” And it was kind of like this test that I did, but he didn’t even know I was doing the test. He had no clue, like absolutely no clue. And you know, the kids walk in wanting to get their hair brushed and he’s like, “Well, you know how to brush your hair? You’re old enough.” And it’s like, no, no, she doesn’t. She does, she can do it, but she’s going to be with all kinds of bumps in her hair, but it didn’t matter to him. And I got, I remember getting so pissed off because it was like, wait a minute. Why is this important to me? Why is this important to the kids but it’s not important to you? Why does this not even phase you? And that’s when it was like, I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s not that I wanted like to force him, don’t get me wrong or that I didn’t go —
[BRANDY]: No, I understand.
[VERONICA]: It was like, I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be the one that takes on everything. I’m so done. When are you going to make a decision? And it was in that moment that I built up the courage to speak up and say, no, you know? And I said it, “Why is your job more important than my job? Why is your job more important than mine? Why do you automatically just get the green light?” And he looked at me and he’s like, “What are you talking about?” And at that point I was ready to kill him. I’m just being honest. I’m being completely honest because I had built up so much frustration, so much resentment that I didn’t even know existed. Like I had no clue it existed. I didn’t even know that it was resentment but here I am looking at my husband and I’m so frustrated and I’m so disappointed that I allowed it to go this long. And I have to say, I allowed it because I did. I did allow it. I gave it complete permission.
I gave him permission to not know about the kids’ schedule. I gave him permission to not know about every single household task that needed to get done. I gave him permission to not ever have to memorize any form of our schedule or time constraints, like at all, because guess what? I got it. I will figure it out. Don’t worry about it. I got it. You do, you look all good and GQ, but I will take care of it. You know your job. Don’t forget, you have this meeting. Don’t forget you have this. Like, I will take full control of your life and our kids life. And I will lose myself along the process.
[BILLY]: I don’t think I want Veronica on the show anymore.
[BRANDY]: Yes. I’d like to know —
[BILLY]: No, I am feeling all this uncomfortable stuff going on in me because I know when Brandy’s out of town, I’m able to get the kids ready, get their teeth brushed. And when she’s here, and I promise it’s not intentional and I realize I’m probably about to say some really dumb stuff and I’m just going to say it and you all can correct me, but there’s this unconscious thing where I just rely on her to get certain things done. And I know it’s not fair when I really look at it, when you lay it out in front of me, but it all comes so natural.
[BRANDY]: It doesn’t come natural. It’s a lot of work.
[BILLY]: Yes, in the system we are, like who who’s primarily responsible for getting the kids’ teeth brushed in the morning? Who’s primarily responsible for making sure they get to school on time? And we both work the same amount of time, but somehow that falls on her and I acknowledge it’s not — [crosstalk]
[BRANDY]: I will say that I don’t want to make excuses for men, but I do know they’re more hands on than their fathers were and their grandfathers. And so this is a new role that they’re learning and it’s a constant state of frustration because it’s not equal. There’s no equity in it. And that’s why women are burning out constantly because they come home to the second job and it’s not equal. And I will say that men are more involved again than ever, but it’s still nowhere near equal. And the constant fight we have or adjustments are, right now he makes more money than I do. So then his job’s more important and that to me is not.
[BILLY]: I don’t feel that way but at times —
[BRANDY]: But it is precedent. Yes, you act that way. So maybe you don’t feel it, but your actions tell me otherwise. It’s like, well, I can’t cancel something. We’ll miss out on that money. If I don’t go to work, I don’t get paid. You have a steady income.
[BILLY]: Yes, those have been said.
[VERONICA]: Yes, and it’s been said in my home too. It’s been totally said in my home and here’s an even bigger kicker. What about when the woman makes more money than the husband?
[BRANDY]: That’s the way it used to be?
[BILLY]: Well, yes, in our relationship for the longest time, Brandy did better and somewhere along the line, it flipped, but the roles have always been the same. She’s always carried the bulk of the household operations on her shoulders. And that hasn’t equalized. And I realized that because I’ve talked about that with women in therapy all the time about how guys used to go to work, women stayed at home. The home was their primary responsibility. This day and age it usually takes two working partners, and the woman just absorbed a new role without getting rid of anything and the guy just kind of stayed the same. Not totally. They moved a little towards the middle, but not enough to not have women burning out.
[BRANDY]: So, you said this in therapy?
[BILLY]: And then I come home and I do the opposite. I say I’m the worst to take that advice.
[VERONICA]: No, it’s okay. It’s okay. Here’s why, and you’re going to kill me for saying this Brandy, but I’m going to say it.
[BRANDY]: Thank you for being honest though.
[VERONICA]: Yes. Yes. So I’m going to say this and it sucks when I say this and I heard it from Joe and I swear to God, I was ready to punch Joe, like totally kick him when he said it. It’s not his fault. It’s not his fault that you refuse to put yourself first. It’s not his fault. So we fall into, and I say this with love because I had to say it to myself too, I had to say it to myself too and it’s sucked. It sucked so badly. And it took some time to like really, really digest. And I had to let it marinate a minute because I’m going to be honest. I was pissed. I was pissed when I heard that. What I realized is, wait a minute, am I really setting this up? Am I really setting this up to where I do everything? And then I thought about it and it’s like, no, there’s no fricking way in hell. And then that day I told Willie, I was still pissed off. I was like, “All right, Willie, do her hair. Do her hair, I’m going to go downstairs, do this. Like, that’s it. Do her hair.” And I came back up and her hair was like this with a shitload of bumps, like literally. And he was going to send her to school like that. And I was like, “Are you kidding me? Look at her hair. There’s like so many bumps in it. You’re going to send her to school like that? Just give me, let me do it.”
And I was like, Holy shit. Holy shit. No wonder he doesn’t do anything. I shouldn’t say anything, but no wonder he doesn’t have all of these things over his head. I put them there. So what if she goes to school like that? He did her hair. That’s what you wanted. And yes, it’s not perfect. But how often do you allow him to do her hair? Never. Never. Maybe once. So you haven’t allowed him, you haven’t given him the opportunity to learn. Haven’t given him the opportunity to practice and screw up and even know what it looks like. You haven’t taught him. So you just did it. And then in addition to that, guess what he hears, “You’re not doing it. You’re not doing it right. It’s not enough, I’m going to criticize you, I’m going to judge you, and on top of that, I’m going to yell at you. I’m going to yell at you. So guess what? I’m not doing shit. I’m not doing shit. I’m going to go ahead and stay in my corner in the minute I’m called or yelled at, then I’m going to come. But before then, hell, no. I’m going to stick to my routine and maybe she’ll let it slide today. Maybe she won’t.” Don’t get me wrong. You know, I’m not going to say we have all of it. The men still have to step up. You see us running around, do something, pick something.
[BRANDY]: Yes, pick something [inaudible 00:14:46] see us carrying the groceries in.
[VERONICA]: Yes, pick something. Go ahead, Billy.
[BILLY]: No, this is just, well, it really brings up a lot of fear because I wonder like, how can I add, can I do as much as my wife. She’s super bad-ass and resilient and gets all this stuff done. I get it. It’s a cop out. It’s a total excuse, but it’s a fear and a feeling I have like, “Oh my gosh, we’re having this conversation,” because I’ve realized when you start losing privilege, it feels like injustice, but it’s really not. It’s just equity, but I’ve been used to the system for so long and it’s become so accustomed and so comfortable. And now we’re talking about changing it. What is that going to look like? But when I realized it’s just fair and my wife is going to be healthier and better and more energetic and she’s not going to be burnout, why would I not want to participate in a system that’s better for all, for both of us? It’s just change is hard [crosstalk].
[BRANDY]: I think Veronica said it. Like we think we have it all and then you guys do something and you do it so badly that it’s just like, “Screw it. I’ll just do it myself.”
[BILLY]: Well, there is that form of manipulation where if I just put it down and blow the dishwasher horribly, she’ll just say, “Let me do it.”
[VERONICA]: So I have this idea. It’s a really big idea that I’m super excited to share with you. Here’s the backstory. I’ve been getting a lot of questions for married women, about how to effectively communicate with their husband. I’ve had this idea for a while now to create a course, to help women break through the communication barriers. This course would provide expert advice and easy to use strategies to help women connect with their husbands feeling understood, supported, and more importantly, feeling connected. It’s a five-week online course with an outlined workbook and exercises for you and your husband to do together. We will meet weekly and there will be live group coaching calls and so much more. Currently, this is an idea. It is very rough around the edges. It’s definitely not perfect yet and there are many things we still need to work out. Imagine where this could lead us in one year, three years or even five years from now.
That’s what gets me so excited; is the progress we would all make by working together with such a tight focus. So I want to personally invite you to be one of my founding members. I’m only allowing 15. The title I came up with is Reignite Your Marriage by Cutting Through the Communication Barriers; Finally Feel Supported, Appreciated and Understood. It still needs tweaking, but the vision is there. And that’s why I love to extend an early invitation to you. I want you to be a part of this. I want you to help me create this course, especially if you’re willing to help me shape this idea. Join me today as a founding member and your price will be $197. As a founding member, you’ll able to get in on the ground floor. It will be the lowest price this will ever be offered because as soon as we’ve finished this, we’ll now formalize the course and immediately raise the price and launch at a higher price point.
But you, my friend, you will be able to get in at the lowest possible price and you’ll have lifetime updates as we continue to refine the course. From this point forward, I will honor this 50% off discount rate from now March 29th to April 6th. All you need to do is click on the show notes, where you’re listening to this podcast now, or go to empoweredandunapologetic.com/episode58. I can’t wait to start this journey with you.
[VERONICA]: So what I ended up doing to change it in my marriage, I’ve been married going on 22, oh, it’ll be 22 years this year, what I did was I started to realize I didn’t have the tools to communicate. I didn’t have the confidence to communicate what I needed and what I wanted. I didn’t have any of those, any of those skills. I didn’t. And so it was when I became a therapist and I started listening to my clients and listening to women and over and over, they were complaining about the same thing. And it’s like, “Huh, there’s a common denominator. We don’t speak up. We don’t speak up. Why don’t we speak up?” Well, because we don’t want our husbands pissed off. And we don’t want them yelling at the kids, but we’ll yell at the kids, but we’ll be in a bad mood. We don’t want to ruin his day, but it’ll, our day will be ruined —
[BRANDY]: I don’t have that problem. I don’t have that problem about speaking up.
[BILLY]: Well, no, it’s sometimes, but with the kids though, you have mentioned that you get to be the nice guy. No, I have to be the —
[BRANDY]: I have to be the bad guy.
[BRANDY]: Yes, you get to be the bad guy and I get to be the guy that just comes in, kisses, watches a show with them when we all go to bed, but the bulk of the discipline and the grinding it out and getting them to pick up their room has fallen on you. So you’re put in this category of —
[VERONICA]: I’m the bitch of the family because I make them brush their teeth and I make them brush their hair.
[VERONICA]: Brandy, why did you put yourself in that category?
[BRANDY]: Because he won’t do it even when I ask him. I ask him, we have gotten fights about this. Like I ask you, “If you can just brush their teeth, that would be a huge help to me.” And then he forgets and the kids go to bed without their teeth brushed. And then I take them to the dentist and they got the cavity. So now he takes him to the dentist and he can answer the questions of why they’re not brushing their teeth.
[BILLY]: Yes, I’m in charge of the dentist now [crosstalk].
[BRANDY]: And you don’t do that.
[BILLY]: I’m a lot more inconsistent than she would be and that’s back to going to what you were talking about, Veronica. My level of done is different than her level of done. And so like, she’ll say, “Go get our youngest dressed,” and she’ll come down in a mismatched outfit and she’ll be like, “You’re going to let her wear that to school?” I’m not sure, I don’t get —
[BRANDY]: I stopped that. I stopped that long time ago. I let them wear what they want —
[BILLY]: But there is that thing of like, “You didn’t clear kitchen.” “Yes, yes I did.” “But you didn’t wipe down the counters.” “Oh, I guess I didn’t clean the kitchen. I thought it was good for me.” My level of, there’s just another argument we get into, but anyway.
[VERONICA]: No, no, no. You’re good. This is okay. So this is great. This is common. And right now your listeners are going, “Amen. I have the same. Tell us what to do. I’m in the same thing. I’m ready to kill my husband, get the kids and just run away.”
[BILLY]: Yes. I stopped talking because I felt like I had a shovel and I was just digging [crosstalk] trying to be uncomfortable and honest, but I really do. I’ll cut a lot more corners than she will and done to me is different than done to her.
[VERONICA]: Bingo. And so this is where as women, we have to come to some level of acceptance, because if we want, if we really want to no longer carry this load, well then that’s part of it. Done to him is done. And if we have an issue with it, well then now we’re taking it upon ourselves to do it the way we want it done. I always give this example of our bills. So for a very long time, I handled all of the bills, all the financials, everything, contracts, everything. And I’ll give you guys two short examples. The first one was we did the Dave Ramsey plan, all in it. And part of it was okay, you have to let your partner take over and you can’t do it anymore. You’re just coming in and giving feedback. Well, we were getting a lot of red notices. Our electricity was going to be turned off, our water was going to be turned off and it was like every single month, the water’s due. Every single month, electricity is due.
And I remember getting so mad and it’s like, “Calm down. Shut up, Veronica. Shut up. So electricity gets cut off. It gets cut off. You want him to do it? Let him. There’s a consequence to it.” And that’s what really, those consequences, you go into the dentist and feeling shame when your dentist looks at you and says, “Your kid has five cavities and needs a root canal.” That’s the shame we’re attempting to avoid. As moms, we’re attempting to avoid any form of judgment with regards to parenting or with regards to how we are as a wife, because we hold those titles very dearly. And that represents who we are as a person. It is our, it encompasses our entitled self-worth, which we need to step out of.
So this is where the consequence we have to allow it to happen. Yes, it sucks to have kids with cavities. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to promote that, but you know what else sucks? You know what else sucks? Zero communication with your spouse, holding resentment. You know what also sucks? Is when you’re in my office as a therapist, not as your coach, but when you’re in my office and you’re seeking guidance because you and your husband are on the path to divorce and you already have one person with their foot out, barely in, and the other person pleading and trying to do everything possible to make the marriage work. That’s what sucks. That sucks more than cavities. That sucks more than anything else. So I would rather have the damn red notices all day, all day, because guess what? Guess what ended up happening after those red notices?
Yes, a couple of times our electricity almost went out like day before. I didn’t remind him. It was his task. We agreed. It sucked because I knew that down, I was like, “Shit, one day I’m going to try and flip on that light and it’s not going to be there and I know I’m going to need it because I’m not good in the cold, and I’m not good without any lights.” But I let it happen. I let it happen. And he got us out of debt. He got us out of debt. Hear me when I say that. He got us out of debt. Now, I don’t know what the hell is going on in our accounts. I don’t need to. I don’t need to supervise. I never needed to supervise. I needed to let go. I needed to have confidence in my marriage to let go.
I needed to have confidence and trust in myself that I was capable with dealing with the uncomfortable emotion. I had to do that. I didn’t know how, I figured out a way, and I’m developing a course. I’m developing a course that’s going to teach women how to do all of these things. But I really, really had to look inside of me and figure out what the hell is this? And I know I want to change. And I know for damn sure there’s no way I’m going to be married to this man five years from now. I can’t do this. I can’t. We’ll end up killing each other. I can’t do this. And even more, what really, really, really, if you want to know what really made the change, I don’t want my daughters, I have three daughters, I don’t want my daughters to have a marriage like this. So ask your audience. Do you want, if your kids were to be in the same relationship as you, would you praise them or would you pray for them?
[BILLY]: Wow. That’s far.
[VERONICA]: So, I feel the pain. I feel it. This morning, my husband and I had a small argument. I’m not going to lie. We both, he had a doctor appointment. We both had an appointment at eight o’clock. Both of us. He was going to take the kids though and I obviously, I’m going to be here for this interview. And we’re both looking at each other because we stayed in bed a little longer than we should have. It just felt so nice waking up with each other. And Brooklyn came in. “Mom, I need my hair done.” And it was like, “Oh, that’s all your dad.” And he’s like, “I have an appointment and he immediately started shaving,” and I was like, “Awesome. I have an appointment. Your appointments are more important mine. We got to figure this out.” And so I started spraying her hair and I was like, I put it down and I go, “Shit, he’s gotten better at combing her hair. I’m like, I forgot.” But I put the spray down and I was like, “I’m going to need you to take this. I really am going to need you to take this because it’s video and I can’t show up to this interview on video with my hair all crazy and my makeup not done. So this is important to me.” And he looked at me and he said, “Okay.” I’m going to tell you right now. He had his shirt off and if that girl, if Brooklyn wasn’t in that room, [crosstalk] right now. Because that was like, that was like born to me.
The minute he said that he put, he stopped shaving, he started spraying her hair. And was her hair the way I wanted? No, but you know what I have? I have this beautiful memory of Brooklyn teaching her dad how to make sure she had the curls she wanted and teaching where she wanted her, her ponytail, what side she wanted her ponytail. I have that embedded in my head. I will take that over bumps any day. Any day.
[BRANDY]: So tell us about this course that I need to take.
[BILLY]: Yes, let’s [inaudible 00:27:59]
[VERONICA]: Well, so it’s in the works right now. I’m looking at launching it. The launch date is May 6th. Is it May 6th or the following week? Sorry. Like I said, it’s in the works, but I will be promoting webinars. I will be promoting all of that great information. So let me get back to the course. I’m looking at a five to six week course where I do exercises for men and women, for married couples. And I do exercises to help women and men identify the areas in their relationship and the issues with their communication so that they have a better understanding of what’s really coming in between them. So they have a better understanding of why they can’t seem to connect and see each other on the same page. More importantly, it’s for both women and men to feel supported, appreciated, understood, for them to feel connected in their marriage, no longer feeling like roommates or ground talk on Groundhog’s day.
So I’m going to be giving tools and quick and easy to use strategies to help them get to where they really want to be, which is in love and where they see each other as this is my husband and I’m so proud and I just absolutely love him. And I’m flirting with him again and we’re going on dates and I’m actually initiating sex. I’m the one doing this because I think he’s the sexiest man alive. You know, and I’m able to grab my husband’s hand and I’m able to feel his warmth because I haven’t felt that in a long time. I felt like we’ve been business partners and that’s really sucked because there’s been times I wanted to fire his ass.
My goal is to serve couples, more importantly, to help women step outside of their comfort zones and really pay attention to what they’re doing. And obviously it’s been taught, but I really want to teach them where we learned this from and how to do something different, be a better mom, be a better wife, more importantly, be a better version of you.
[BRANDY]: Man, that’s just, that’s hitting home to I’m sure so many people right now and —
[BILLY]: We needed it today.
[BRANDY]: Yes. Yes. It’s good for the, it’s good to hear that women need to let go and let you guys learn —
[BILLY]: To step up.
[BRANDY]: Step up, but it’s also good for, I think the men to hear this side of it and that it’s not just their wife, but this is almost universal.
[VERONICA]: A hundred percent.
[BRANDY]: In this day and age. So I think that’s really good. You have a, you hit the pain that’s for sure. And I’m grateful that you’ve got a course.
[BILLY]: Yes, and this will be coming out down the road. So your course will probably already be out. So we’ll link to it and we’ll make sure people know how to get ahold of that. And we’ll give people our feedback because Lord knows we need to go through it. And you are a truly, an amazing person, Veronica. I’m so glad we got to connect with you through our friend, Joe, from our early meetings when we were in a cohort together. You carry this passion and this confidence that was just magnetic. You truly are empowered and unapologetic.
[BRANDY]: That’s it. It was empowered and unapologetic.
[BILLY]: Check out her podcast. We’re going to leave with a couple of questions, just quick ones that we usually do. Mine is, and it’s a big one. It’s a big one. What is the hardest yet most valuable lesson you’ve learned up until this point in your life?
[VERONICA]: Oh, the power of vulnerability, to be able to be a hundred percent vulnerable. And here’s what I mean. There’s been times when I’ve looked at my daughter and, my daughters and felt like I want to do 50,000 things. And all she wanted me to do is play with her. And I remember, I could think of one particular moment where she had asked me, “Mom, is it hard being a mom?” Mind you, we were at the mall. I was in Banana Republic trying on a shirt. I couldn’t go in the dressing room. So there I am, half boob, in the shirt, half boob out, my hands raised. She’s like, “Mom, is it hard being a mom?” And this is my little Brooklyn. And I was like, “Well, what makes you ask that?” She goes, “Because I see you.”
And she’s been seeing me. I work from home right now. She’s like, “I see you running out of the room, running downstairs, trying to get Aliyah up, trying to get us up and then you run back upstairs and you go back to work. Then you run back downstairs and you try to make us food and then you run back up. And then when you’re done, you go downstairs and then you start yelling at dad and then you start yelling out at Aubrey to make sure she does her homework and then you go back upstairs.” And it was like, Holy shit. Holy shit. I’ve never looked at it from my child’s eyes. And I sat down, still the shirt wasn’t on completely because I was so blown away by her question, I sat down and I was like, “You know what, mama? Yes. Sometimes it is hard to be a mom. It is. And although I don’t like to admit it there are times I run away. I run away with work, I run away with my tasks.”
She just looked at me and she’s like, “Well, why?” And I just said, I was like, “Mama, because sometimes it’s so hard to just sit down like I’m doing right now. But what you just taught me is the importance of sitting down and just taking a break and taking in the moment and being present.” And she just looked at me and she just started crying. She goes, “Thank you, mom. Thank you.” And we just hugged. She’s 10, and she got it. And I was telling her, I ended up apologizing to her and I said, “Mama, you know what? I’m so sorry that I haven’t taken more time. You know, it’s been with this pandemic, with everything it’s been crazy and that’s not a good enough excuse. So I’m promise I’m going to be more intentional. And I’m so sorry.” Right away she said, “Mom, you don’t need to apologize. It’s okay. It’s okay.” And I was like, “Well, if I do it again, is it okay?” She goes, “Well, no mom.” And then I go, “Then you get to call me out. You get to say, you know what, mom, it’s not okay. And yes, I want change.” She’s like, “I could say that?” And I was like, “Yes, you can.” She goes, “Well then it’s not okay.” Vulnerability.
[BILLY]: Wow. You’ve got us wrecked over here. Thank you for your vulnerability in the question. And we always like to check out on —
[BRANDY]: This is good. This is good.
[BILLY]: This is good.
[BRANDY]: Let’s just leave it.
[BILLY]: Let’s just go there.
[BRANDY]: Thank you. Thank you for your time, thank you for your advice, thank you for your passion and the good work that you’re going to do in the world. We’ll appreciate it.
[BILLY]: We’ll be sitting with this one for a while. Thank you so much.
Absolutely. What’s up ladies? Just want to let you guys know that your ratings and reviews for this podcast are greatly appreciated. If you love this podcast, please go to iTunes right now and rate and review. Thank you guys.
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Empowered and Unapologetic is part of the Practice of the Practice Podcast Network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you thrive, imperfectly. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom Podcast, Imperfect Thriving, or Beta Male Revolution, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.