Do you feel like you’re lacking motivation? Why is it important to put yourself first? What are some steps you can take to implement change?
In this podcast episode, Veronica shares a live coaching call she did on how to be motivated and take action.
In This Podcast
- Lacking motivation
- The lie that is the social norm
- The change you have to make
I couldn’t explain what I am other than a mom and a wife
There was this lingering feeling, it wasn’t depression, but something was missing. Realizing that her teenager would be out of the house in a few years, Bridget understood that she should have a separate identity outside of being a mom and a wife. Bridget felt that she needed to start looking for that identity or start creating it.
After attending a transformative seminar she felt that she was starting on a clean slate and tried to build herself to the way she wanted to be. Despite taking this step she still has a lack of motivation on a day-to-day basis.
The lie that is the social norm
It’s just a social norm that mom’s don’t put themselves first. When you’re met with this guilt that you don’t know what to do with, you tend to go back to the norm, to the things that fulfill you and you feel appreciated for. Tending to everyone else’s needs is the social norm, and this is a lie we have been fed, over and over again.
When we’re met with breaking a pattern, it’s difficult because we don’t want to disappoint, experience judgment or hurt others. As women, we are nurturers and we want to do everything for everyone. And the moment you put yourself first over your kid, you start questioning what type of mother you are. But if you don’t put yourself first, where will you be. Imagine doing this over and over, you’ll quickly fall into depression because you don’t have an identity.
The change you have to make
You have to start working towards your goals! In order to create change, you have to want it so badly that you’re able to lean into fear, lean into your insecurities, and then be able to sit in those uncomfortable emotions.
- Commit to a date
- Eliminate any distractions
- Block out your own time and stick to working during this time
- Decide on the 3 steps you need to take, put it in your calendar
- I’m Doing This For Me: How To Lean Into Fear And Gear Up For Success | EU 005
- Join Our Girl Gang
- Empowered And Unapologetic Free Course
Meet Veronica Cisneros
I’m a licensed therapist and women walk into my office every day stressed and disconnected. As a mom of three daughters, I want my girls to know who they are and feel confident about their future. I can’t think of a better way to help other women than by demonstrating an empowered and unapologetic life.
So I started Empowered and Unapologetic to be a safe space for women to be vulnerable and change their lives for the better before she ever needs to see a therapist.
Thanks for listening!
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Empowered and Unapologetic is part of the Practice of the Practice Podcast Network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you thrive, imperfectly. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom Podcast, Imperfect Thriving, or Beta Male Revolution, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.
[VERONICA CISNEROS]: Empowered and Unapologetic is part of the Practice of the Practice podcast network, a family of podcasts that change the world. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom podcast, Beta Male Revolution, or Imperfect Thriving, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.
I get it. Being a mom is hard, especially when you are feeling stressed and disconnected. We exhaust ourselves trying to create the perfect life for our family. You deserve to enjoy your family without the stress perfectionism brings. On this podcast, I teach you how to identify who you are outside of all of the roles you play. If you are ready to be challenged, then girl, pull up a chair, grab a pen and paper because it’s about to go down.
Hey, I’m Veronica Cisneros, a licensed marriage and family therapist on a mission to create a community of bad ass women who want to learn how to become Empowered and Unapologetic. Welcome to our girl gang.
[VERONICA]: Hey ladies, welcome to Empowered and Unapologetic. I’m your host, Veronica Cisneros. We’re going to shake things up a bit. Last week, I offered a free coaching session to the ladies who are in my free Facebook group. And the catch was the coaching session was going to be recorded live. No pressure, no pressure. So, I want to say that I admire a guest for having the courage to assert herself and go for it. So, today’s guest is a 37-year-old who has been married for 19 years. They have one daughter who’s 14, and her husband was in the Marine Corps for eight years. He deployed twice. The second time was while she was pregnant. So, this girl is a go getter. So, please help me by welcoming Bridget Phillips. Hey Bridget.
[BRIDGET PHILLIP]: Hey, how’s it going?
[VERONICA]: It’s going good. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for biting the bullet and just doing it. This is going to be so awesome.
[BRIDGET]: Oh, thank you. Yeah, no worries.
[VERONICA]: So as a military wife, myself, I have to say there is no way you can explain the struggle us military wives go through and especially when they’re on active duty. And so, I just want to make sure that I thank you and thank your husband for your service, because I think that’s really, really important that I think the two of you.
[BRIDGET]: Oh, thank you. Yeah, we totally loved our time in the military and I truly have an appreciation for anyone who’s in it right now. So, thank you to everyone who’s going through it. Been through it, all that too, for me as well.
[VERONICA]: Absolutely. Absolutely. It’s interesting because I don’t think most people know that if you’ve been, you know, if anytime I come across someone else, maybe another wife that’s her husband served or she served, there’s a different level of connection. You know, like we totally get it. We totally get it. You don’t have to say anything. You know, we totally get the life that you’re living, just some of the pressures of the military lifestyle and how it impacts our family. So, it’s like this secret family that we all have, and it doesn’t matter who you are and if we just met. Like, there’s this instant connection. So, in today’s episode, I understand that you wanted to focus on lack of motivation. Before we go there though, I want our audience to get to know you. So, can you please share with us your story?
[BRIDGET]: Yeah. So, like you said, I’ve been married since I was 18, so, I feel like, and then we were in the military right away, and then I have been a pharmacy technician since I was 16. I worked in retail for 20 years with that and I had just transitioned a year and a half ago into the insurance side. So, I’m still a legal drug dealer, AKA, but I also, now I don’t have to do retail anymore. I’m in the insurance side so I changed my career in that sense, but I have realized within the last, maybe six months that I have always focused on my family, like putting my family first, putting my husband first, letting the military guide our lives when we were in and I realized, “Oh my God, I’ve never had control over my own life.”
Like I allowed or let myself just go with the way things went. And I decided in the last, maybe six months that I want to take control of my own life and be accountable for my own life. So, I’m looking forward to making those changes, but I do feel like I have a lack of motivation+ in a sense sometimes. So, that’s why I think I’m here and I’d be excited to get coached on that kind of stuff.
[VERONICA]: Absolutely. You know being in the military, it’s orders who basically dictate your life, right? Like, the minute you receive orders, you have to go wherever the hell they tell you to go. And now you’re living in this new state, sometimes a new country, and we constantly have to be ready to pick up and go. And you know, whether or not you had two cars, well, now you’re down to one. If you know, military, isn’t going to pay for both of them to be shipped, or you have, it has to come out of pocket. So, there’s so much loss. There’s so much loss that I don’t think a lot of people know when you’re married to somebody in the military or you’re in the military.
And I love that you said, you know, I love that you were able to admit that in so many ways, putting your husband’s career first. And then in addition to that, being a mom first, you know, I think there’s so much loss, when there’s so much happening. We end up going to straight security and as fast as we can and whatever control we can have we latch onto it. And you know, it kind of sounds like for you, that was, you know, being focused on your marriage, being focused on your daughter, you know. However, along the way, when we’re putting so much focus in everyone else, except for ourselves, we tend to lose ourselves in the thick of it,
[BRIDGET]: That’s correct.
[VERONICA]: Right? And I’ve heard it so many times. I myself have been in that spot where it was like, I didn’t even recognize my own reflection because I wasn’t used to looking at myself. I’d get dressed up and whatever my kids needed, whatever my husband needed, like I was attending to those things. And so, can you take us down that path? Like at what point did you realize, “Holy crap, how did I lose myself?” Like where were you at because I can tell you right now where I was at when I felt that way. I could probably even tell you the time of day., But for you, how did you know that you had lost yourself?
[BRIDGET]: So, I don’t think I can remember a certain time, like standing, looking in the mirror or anything like that. But I think I felt myself getting down, not necessarily like fully depressed, but maybe on that path or on that road to getting depressed. And I don’t know if there was like something that asked me like a quiz or something like that online, who knows, but some of them asked me, explain something about yourself or, you know, and I think I realized that maybe, I couldn’t explain what I am other than a mom and a wife.
I felt like that was my identity and I was kind of like sad about it and the fact of like, I don’t have anything else besides that. And knowing that my teenager is getting older and going to be out of the house, you know, and for almost four years or a little bit more than four years and meaning then what? Yes, I’m a mom forever, but it’s not like what I should base my identity on. I should be a single person in the fact of like, I should have an identity separate from everyone else. I felt like I should anyway.
And so, I felt like I needed to start looking for that or start creating one of the two or both. And so, you know, that’s what I’ve been trying to do in the last six months. I went to a transformative seminar and I got a lot from that. It basically gave me like a clean slate. It helped me to just start from basically ground zero and try to like, learn to build myself and create myself the way I want to be and I have started doing that. I am doing that, but I still find myself getting a lack of motivation on like a day to day basis.
Like I know what I need to do. I know what I want to do. I want to start changing. You know, I want to transition out of pharmacy into real estate. I want to start making my own business, working for myself. I’m tired of clocking in and clocking out on someone else’s time. So, just things like that. And so, I do have a goal and I have been taking baby steps, but I know that I could have done more, in the past three months since I started doing that stuff and I know that I need to do more and step it up if that makes any sense.
[VERONICA]: No, that makes perfect sense. And you also explained the difference, you know, it wasn’t necessarily that it was this depression that you fell into. It was you knew something’s not right. Like something just doesn’t feel right. And me not being able to answer the question, who am I, me not being able to come up with the answer without feeling frustrated or without, you know, what’s the word? Without being in this empty head space. Like, how am I not able to answer this question? It sounds like kind of like that was a key moment for you. Like, “Okay, wait a minute. Something’s not right.” And I think that’s what a lot of women run into; is, “Okay, wait a minute. Something’s off.” And it’s not necessarily that you have to go into therapy because like you said, it wasn’t depression. It was just this empty feeling like there’s something missing.
[BRIDGET]: Yeah. I think that’s a great way to say it.
[VERONICA]: Right? And so, what do you think, you mentioned going to this training and then feeling positive, feeling all of the things, you’re ready to transform and in so many ways it gave you this clean slate? Okay. So, after that, what do you think is standing in your way? Like what would you say, you know, kind of once you left that high, what were you met with?
[BRIDGET]: I think I have days where I’m up and I have days where I’m down in the sense of like more motivated than others. And those days, even on some of the days where I’m like, “Oh yeah, I’m going to do this. I’m going to do that. I’m going to get things done today. But first I have to work.” And so, then I go to work and then afterward I’m like, “Oh, I’m tired or I don’t have time. Or, now I got to cook dinner. Okay. I’m going to cook dinner. Then I’m going to do it.” Then I cook dinner and then I’m like, “Oh, now I’m tired. I’ll just do it tomorrow.” And so, I think maybe, just using those excuses and putting other things ahead of myself and not really like looking at this is what has to happen. Like, it’s a priority.
If I can make a quicker dinner or if I can, you know, like sometimes I feel bad. That’s another thing a lot of moms probably go through, because sometimes I feel bad about putting myself first over what my daughter needs. You know, she wants to like, “Oh, I need help writing this paper or can you listen to me in my speech? I have to practice my speech,” or things like that. So, I’m always like, “Okay, sure, go ahead.” But then I also feel like the other part of me uses that as an excuse where sure, I could stay up another hour or I can put her to bed a little bit earlier. It’s not like she doesn’t need it. You know, like teens need their sleep. So, I feel like I just I make excuses around it too, but I also like let it slide so easily and I let myself get put to the back of the line, if that makes sense so easily. So, yeah, maybe it’s like that struggle of, “I’m a mom, I’m a wife and putting myself first might be selfish and might be —
[VERONICA]: Oh, yes.
[BRIDGET]: Yeah. That’s probably a big part.
[VERONICA]: Where did you learn that from?
[BRIDGET]: I mean, I feel like it’s just like a social norm that moms, even from the fifties and I’m totally what I call myself as a feminist and now I’m like, “No, we shouldn’t be barefoot in the kitchen or whatever.” Or like I choose not to be not, not shouldn’t, but I choose not to be because that’s old model, like back when we didn’t work. Sure, I’d love to be in the kitchen if I wasn’t working a full-time job and being a mom and doing this and this, but, you know, and I feel like it’s still kind of stuck there even though women now work and women now have to be soccer moms and ballet moms and music moms and all these things but like when do we have time for ourselves? I feel like I have to plan that out, schedule it, you know. I find it’s hard to do it and like remove the guilt, I guess because I do have the guilt there.
[VERONICA]: You said two things, the guilt, and now it’s another task. It’s another task, me putting myself first. And when I met with this emotion, right when I meet with this guilt that I don’t know what to do with, well, then I tend to go back to the norm. I tend to go back to what things fulfill me, what things I feel appreciated for and I feel validated for. And so, automatically if I come home to a clean house and I make dinner for the family and I’m tending to my child’s needs, well that’s the social norm. And I’m doing everything in line with what a wife is supposed to do. And so, I think we’ve fallen into believing this lie that we’ve been told, you know, this lie that’s been modeled for us.
I know it’s been modeled for me. You know, I remember feeling such shame whenever people would come to my house and maybe there wasn’t one dish put away and it’s like, “Oh, you know, it must be nice not to have to clean your house all the time.” And it’s like, “Oh, are you kidding me? It was just one dish. I vacuumed, I mopped, I was on my hands and knees cleaning up the baseboards for you. And the first thing you look at is just that dish.” You know what I mean? But there’s a whole great amount of judgment with our families or, you know, I remember going over to my grandma’s house and every time, every single time I would go to my grandma’s house, she would ask me, or she would ask Willie, “Willie, are you hungry?”
And I’m like, “Grandma, you only speak Spanish. How comes all of a sudden you know English just to ask, “Willie, Are you hungry?” And she’s like, “You know, you need to treat him right.” And she would get on me. “You need to treat him right.” And then she would go to the kitchen and start making him food and I’d say, “Grandma, we just ate.” And then Willie would look at me like, “I’m not hungry. And I’m like full but you better eat because grandma’s in the kitchen. Like, yes, we just came from dinner, but you have to eat this, whatever she makes.” You know, otherwise I’m a bad wife. “What are you doing? You know, she already thinks I’m a bad wife. Don’t make it worse. Now I have a husband who doesn’t listen and who’s not appreciative. Like don’t make this worse.”
So yeah. You know, definitely the social norms. How do we get to a place where we’re able to break it? Like, so you’re met with this guilt, and I’m asking you this because I want you to think of what it might feel like the minute your daughter comes up, you just had a long day of work, and you go upstairs and have 10 minutes to yourself and you’re met with, or you’re interrupted by your daughter who ran to you the minute you entered that door and says, “Mommy, I’m so excited to show you something.” How likely are you to still go upstairs and decompress for those 10 minutes than you are to go and see what she has to show you? Like, what would it look like if you were to go upstairs instead of tending to her needs?
[BRIDGET]: I mean, now that she’s like a teenager, I think she might, honestly, I don’t know, because even asking her, like, I’m thinking, okay, what if I ask her, “Give me 10 minutes and then I’ll listen.” You know, I’ll have time to listen or something like that. I feel like she may or may not take it as I’m not as important as whatever my mom has to do for 10 minutes. So, I’m not sure. I don’t know what, I guess that could be mean.
[VERONICA]: Look at how you went straight to, I’m sorry for interrupting, but I just want to kind of comment on this. Look at how you went straight to where you have to ask her for permission.
[BRIDGET]: Yeah. Like I wouldn’t ask her, but I mean, like I would tell her like, “Hey, give me 10 minutes. I’ll be right back.” But yeah, I see what you mean. Like that’s my complete guilt. Like I’m a mom. I feel like I’ve always been a mom first. And I guess that comes from something in my head saying that should be the way, you know, like that I should always be a mom first and that if I’m not a mom first, then I guess I’m a bad mom. You know, like I’m not a good enough mom or, et cetera, et cetera.
[VERONICA]: Yes, yes, yes. Absolutely. And so, that’s ultimately what you’re battling. It’s not this lack of motivation. You know, you’re obviously, girl, you’re more than motivated. You’re driven. You know, if you mean to tell me that you were pregnant while your husband was deployed, hell yeah, girl, you know exactly what to do. You know exactly what to do and you’re able to figure it out, right? The thing is when we’re met with breaking something, we are met with breaking this pattern. Well, it’s difficult because we don’t want to disappoint and we don’t want to experience any judgment from other people. And then we don’t want to hurt others.
And I think as women, you know, we’re nurturers, we want to go ahead and be there and do all of the things for everyone because it feels good. We see those smiles and you know, we feel that love. And the minute I put myself first over my kid, well, yeah, the first thought is, “What type of mother am I?” You know, but if we can go ahead and look at it as, “Okay, if I don’t put myself first, well then where will I be?” And you mentioned, you know, in the beginning it wasn’t that you were depressed, but it kind of felt like there was something there. Imagine continuously doing this over and over and over. How quickly can somebody fall into depression when they don’t have an identity.
[BRIDGET]: Yeah, totally. That is pretty powerful, what you said. And you know, when you say, when you were speaking right now, I just went right straight to the airline thing where you put your mask on first and then you put the mask on your child. It’s kind of true because you know, if I’m not creating and being the person I want to be, it really doesn’t matter because now I’m emulating a certain type of mother anyway to her who maybe she’ll spin that in some sense later when she’s a mom and she might decide, I always have to put my child first because that’s how my mom always did. Or you know, like it can be viewed in a different sense from her perspective later in life or now to where, if I’m not taking care of myself and like being who I want to be and letting these things happen and using them as excuses to not get to where I want to be, then you know, not showing up as the person that I’d like to be and that I want to be for her.
[VERONICA]: Yeah. And that’s not something we want as models, right?
[BRIDGET]: Totally agreed. Yeah.
[VERONICA]: And so now let’s take it even further. I’m going to ask you, you know, you just said excuses. What are the lies you tell yourself with regards to not completing your goals. You mentioned a couple of them with, you know, I’m too tired. I’ve had a long day. I’ll do it tomorrow. Oh, that’s kind of a lie because you probably said that yesterday. And I know I’ve been guilty of it.
[BRIDGET]: That’s why I’m calling it out.
[VERONICA]: This is why I’m calling it out because I’ve done it myself. So, I’m just going to say that. But like, okay, so that’s a lie. What are the other lies you tell yourself with regards to fulfilling this goal?
[BRIDGET]: You know, some things, I’ll tell myself it’s, it’s hard or I don’t want to do it, which is stupid because I do want to do, it’s just like that task, I don’t necessarily like over the other tasks. Like I’ve built my website, but I haven’t done my marketing materials because I feel like what’s the content? Now I’ve got to get the content, to get the marketing materials, and so like, literally I’ve stuck right there where my website’s up, it needs to be fixed a little bit, but otherwise, it’s like pretty good. It’s decent to start up with, you know? And then, but ordering my marketing materials, I need to go get content or like figure out my content. And so, in my mind, like I’ve told myself that’s hard. And so, I have never, like I haven’t touched it, you know, just because I like lie to myself that it’s hard.
It’s not. It’s just something that needs to be done. It’s not that it’s hard. It’s just something I need to do and got to figure it out. Like have I done other hard stuff in my life. Like you said, being pregnant while he was deployed. So, can I do it? Yeah. So, in that sense, yes, it totally is alive. Like it’s not really that hard. Like come on, you know, I’ve had a child, raised a child, have been in the military or with my husband being in the military, I’ve done all these things in my life that are way harder. So, yeah, that’s a fat lie. Totally, as you called it.
[VERONICA]: That’s all right. Again, I’m only able to call it out because I’ve been there; totally been there. All right. Another thing. I want us to look at the costs and benefits. So, what is it costing you for you not to complete that goal? What is it costing you that you haven’t met that goal yet?
[BRIDGET]: Honestly like freedom and happiness. Like, you know, I go in, I do this job that I’m not particularly caring about, like wanting to do. I’m not even fulfilled. Let’s put it that way. This job is something that it’s far away from the public that I feel like I can be a better person, I could show up as the person I am, which is helping others in a different type of job. And in a variety of different jobs. It doesn’t have to be the exact one that I’m looking to get into. But this job is so far and distant from being fulfilled for me that I don’t enjoy it every day. And so, literally it’s costing me, my happiness almost every day. I love the people I work with. You know, it’s definitely not the people, I’ve met great people there and I love it. I love those people, but the actual tasks are not fulfilling to me. So, I think that in that sense, it’s costing me my happiness, like on the daily, which is not good to do to myself, you know?
[VERONICA]: Yeah, absolutely. So, I want you to take it even further. What else is it costing you? What is it costing you personally?
[VERONICA]: So, you got to freedom. Yes, happiness, take it even further. What else is it costing you for you not to already have met that goal?
[BRIDGET]: Well, to not be the person I say I want to be.
[VERONICA]: Bingo, yes. Tell me more.
[BRIDGET]: To not show up as the person I want my daughter to see me as, that I want to show up in life as to other people, you know. Like I’m not fulfilling my full potential on earth if that, but I know that sounds weird.
[VERONICA]: No, no, no. Absolutely, I get it.
[BRIDGET]: Yeah. And what’s that like, that right there to say out loud?
[BRIDGET]: Honestly sad. Like I feel sad about it because yes, I do, you know, like I’m happy and I’m trying to be a joyous person and happy with where I’m at and with who I’m with, the jobs I’m at now or the job I’m at now, but definitely not my full potential. And it makes me sad. It makes me sad that I have been going a year and a half or going 22 years and not doing what I know I should be doing or what I know I want to be doing.
[VERONICA]: Yeah, absolutely. And in so many ways we self-sabotage. We’re self-sabotaging and not taking it to that next level. And this is where we’re going to go into how it’s benefiting you. How is it benefiting you not to go ahead and meet that goal? Oftentimes when I ask this question, people look at me like, “Veronica, did you not hear that I want to live my life? Did you not? No, it’s not benefiting me It’s actually costing me all of these things.” Well, yeah, I agree. It is costing you a whole great deal. However, it’s also benefiting you. And if it wasn’t benefiting you, then you wouldn’t continue to do it.
So, in so many ways it is benefiting you. And I’m going to give you an example. I don’t have to step outside of my comfort zone. I can continue to say tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, I don’t have to feel this uncomfortable emotion. I get to go ahead and sit down and watch Netflix. That’s a couple of the ways it’s benefiting you. So, I’m going to go out and ask you that same question. How is it benefiting you for you not to go out and meet this goal?
[BRIDGET]: I honestly know exactly what you’re talking about, of how it’s benefiting me. When I place blame on other things or factors or even people in my life, I know that therefore I have no accountability for my life.
[BRIDGET]: So, like when, you know, we are in the military and I let that be my guide in my life. Like this is where we’re going and so I stuck with retail because it was easy to transfer. So, then, okay. I can’t choose my career because I better stay in this job because I can, no matter where he gets deployed to, or stationed to, then I can transfer. And this is how it should be because it’s easy. So, then I don’t have to take responsibility. I have no accountability or responsibility. I just leave it at that.
And that’s the benefit. It’s that when things go wrong, I can blame it on him. I can blame it on military. I can blame it on anything. And that’s one thing I did realize recently, that I was doing that in the aspect of not having control over my own life. It gave me the freedom to not take any slack for anything or any responsibility or any accountability for the negative side. That was my benefit; was that if I put it on others, if I put it on him or if I put it on the military or if I put it on our situation or where we live or whatever it is, then I don’t have to take that onto myself and be blamed for it.
[VERONICA]: Beautifully said, beautifully said. And so, now knowing this, what is this kind of like to say out loud and own it?
[BRIDGET]: It’s freeing honestly, like I know that’s not something I want to do. And I know that’s not something that’s fair in a marriage to do to my husband. And I’ve, luckily I’ve had this conversation with him when I realized that I had done this a few months ago, that I’ve been doing this for 19 years, that, you know, it’s freeing and it’s powerful in our relationship now for him to know, and for me to come clean and complete with it that, “Hey, I didn’t even notice really that I was doing this, but I have been doing this.” And it was pretty actually, honestly, to be blunt, it was pretty shitty of me to do that. I didn’t know necessarily like maliciously I’m doing this thing, but once I realized it, I was like, “Wow, Oh my gosh. I’ve been living my life this way where I just let roll with the tide.”
You know, like I just go with whatever is, and I got married young 18, and I just let it be the way it was and never looked to get out and look to do anything different, look to change my life the way I want to change it. Like, I never really took those onto myself. And I think in a sense it’s kind of lazy. Like I was kind of lazy about it, and I think also scared. I was scared to do, to take a jump, to take a risk, to do anything. And that’s just it. If it was risky then, and I took it onto myself, then I’d be blamed for it if it went wrong. So, I think I was just scared, and so, yeah, I try not to do that now. I’ll try not to take that, but I think in action kind of does the same thing, right? Like if I’m not taking action, well I’m not failing either.
[VERONICA]: Yes. And I’m not, I love how you said that. I’m not to blame. I’m not going to disappoint anybody. I’m not responsible for it. If I’m responsible for something that I have to do it a hundred percent, my kids, my household. And you mentioned lazy. I would challenge you on that. And here’s why. Who the hell has ever taught you how to do this? You know, I know my mom, you know, looking at my mom’s life, like she did everything for us, everything for us. She would be last to eat. Sometimes we wouldn’t have food in our house and if we had Pinto beans or whatever, like she would make sure it was enough for us. And maybe there were times that she went without, right. Same thing with clothes. You know, we’d get all of the clothes before her.
And now as an adult, I’ve asked her that question. I’m like, “You sacrificed so much.” And she’s like, “Well, because I did it for you.” And although that’s beautiful, like we hear that and it’s like, “Oh my God, you have such an amazing mom. She’s so beautiful.” Yes, absolutely. And I’m not going to lie as a kid I felt guilty for that. As an adult, you know, like, “Oh crap. Well then, I owe it to my mom. Well then, I have to do whatever I need to for my mom. Then I need to do that.” And so, this cycle continues to happen. So, if we were never taught that this was unhealthy, well, how the hell are we going to do anything different?
That’s part of the reason why we’re on this coaching call; is because I want other women to hear like, listen, we all have gone through it. We’re all going through it in one way or another and there’s a way to break from this. And so, a question I want to ask is now knowing what you know, looking back, how did it impact your relationship with your husband? Because we’re on this kick that as long as I keep on doing what I’m doing, everything’s great. My marriage is great, my kids are happy and in reality, that’s not the case. And so, how has it impacted or did impact your relationship with your husband and your daughter?
[BRIDGET]: I mean, I think that I might’ve touched on it right now, but it impacted it in the sense of, I wonder if maybe he felt more responsibility if he noticed it and it’s, anyway, during the time that I was like not doing anything but not happy about my job. So, let’s say I come home, I’m complaining that my job makes me mad or I get irritated or I get yelled at by customers, whatever it was. And if I’m coming home and complaining, I wonder if any sense of him felt a certain type of responsibility to it, without it being spoken. Maybe he might’ve felt that that would have to be a question for him nut I could imagine that might be something that was there.
With my daughter in the sense of me, like choosing not to do things for myself or build my business or build my website and instead help her. It could also have the same repercussion of where she might feel responsible or like she might feel the blame if I put blame in any sense, either spoken or unspoken where, okay, I’ve got to be a mother first, and maybe there’s like a tone in my voice. Or maybe there’s like a little frustration there that I’m feeling, or maybe a little resentment that I’m feeling or something like that. Kids are so smart and can read those things and maybe she’s felt it. Or maybe she’s like you said, maybe she’ll grow up and feel like she has to be the same way and not be able to put her herself first. And honestly, I put it like that and I don’t want that for my daughter.
[VERONICA]: Yeah, I remember when I was going through it, I didn’t realize I had resentment toward my kids. I didn’t realize I had resentment towards my husband. Like if you would’ve asked me in that moment, I’d be like, “No, I love cooking every single day.” You know what I mean? Like, what’s wrong with you? Or you asked me like, no, I love finding new recipes and I love a clean house. And you know, I love the fact that I don’t go to bed unless all my dishes are clean and my carpet is perfectly lined because I got, because of the way I vacuumed it. Like no go on. Everything about my life, I love, you know what I mean? However, now I look back and it’s like, “Oh my God, I was completely delusional. That’s a lie. I was not happy.”
Anytime I heard mom, I wanted to kill a kid. When my husband would call me and say, “Hey, by the way, can you …” the minute I heard, can you, I so desperately wanted to hang up the phone, possibly curse him out, go straight to his work, throw all the kids at him. Like there were times that it was like that. Like, it was just, and I would kind of shove it down and just go about my day. You know, I’m not saying I was like Paula Dean or not Paula Dean. I’m not going to say, you know, I’m, I can’t even think of a mom, like a PTA mom or whatever you want to call it. Like, I can’t say that I lived that life perfectly, but I know that perfectionism was the goal. And so, that resentment I carried, I carried for a long time.
[BRIDGET]: Yeah. I’m glad you said examples because you know what, when you said the moment he says, can you, I’ve totally been there where I’m like, literally I could feel myself like boiling. All he said is, can you, and it doesn’t even matter what the rest of it was. And I’m like, “Oh my God, I’m so busy right now.” I guarantee you I’ve had that conversation where like, I cut him off and didn’t even let him finish what it was. And I’m like, no, I’m like, literally losing my mind. I’ve got to do this, this and this. And I’m driving here and this and that, and then he, you know, I guarantee you there’s been times where he’s like, “I just wanted you to like, you know, something stupid, like move the towel from the couch to the closet.” Something stupid, right.”
And I’m like, “Yeah, I can totally do that.” [crosstalk] Definitely jumped him right then and there because I’m like, “No, I can’t take one more thing on, I swear.” It’d be, “Give me one more thing on my plate, I’m literally going to lose it.” But yeah, it’s not fair to anyone because first of all, who put the stuff on my plate? I did.
[VERONICA]: Absolutely. Absolutely. All right, girl. So, we’re going to do something right now, because we’re going to make this happen. I want you to identify one goal, one goal, and I don’t want you to make it big. Like don’t tell me I’m going to go ahead and run a marathon in one month. I want it to be something that’s doable. Like I want something completely doable. Like just one goal.
[BRIDGET]: Well, it’s definitely finished, like make the content for my order and my marketing materials and actually order them.
[BRIDGET]: I think that is where I’m at. I know that’s my next step. I know that I’ve put it off. Like, I’ve been quarantined for weeks and I haven’t even touched it. I totally haven’t touched it. I have no excuse.
[VERONICA]: Well, remember nobody taught us this. We didn’t know about these insecurities. We didn’t know how it was impacting us. All of this, we just unveiled. All right. So, your goal is to create content or to purchase the marketing material, because we got, we’re going to narrow it down even further, like one of the two or are they’re both hand-in-hand?
[BRIDGET]: It’s kind of hand in hand, like a rack card, like what my business offers. So, I need to create the content of what my business offers to put onto the rack card and then order it, if that makes sense.
[VERONICA]: Okay. So, I get it. So, what will stand in your way of accomplishing this goal? So, we already mentioned guilt. We already mentioned you’re working long days and you come home and you just want to relax. What are the things will stand in your way from accomplishing this one goal?
[BRIDGET]: Ultimately, I think it’s just a choice. Like I have to choose to do that over watching three hours of Netflix or over sitting on Facebook for an hour and a half. Like, those are things like that are going to entice me. You know, like it’d be easier to be, like you said more comfortable to just let life go by and not do anything about it.
[VERONICA]: Yes. So, usually, I would, I’m sure other people would let their clients, let the people they are coaching slide with that. They’d be like, “Okay, great. Yeah.” I don’t do that. We don’t do bandaids here. So, in order to create change, you have to want it so badly, so badly that you’re able to lean into fear, that you’re able to lean into your insecurities, and you’re able to sit in those uncomfortable emotions, which all will probably be focused around fear, disappointment, not getting it right, and failure. You have to want it so badly, so badly that you’re willing to sit in all of that. So, right now I’m going to ask you again, what will stand in your way?
[BRIDGET]: I think the fear of not getting it right. Like not being good enough. Even deeper would be not being good enough. When I do start to make these things, I feel like, “Is this good enough?” And I’ll like, go ask other people and get like consensus and what do you think —?
[VERONICA]: Bingo, yes. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself to make the decision. I need validation from others.
[BRIDGET]: Yeah. Yes.
[VERONICA]: So that’s going to delay you because now you’re waiting on somebody else to accomplish this goal. Well, they haven’t responded yet and maybe they didn’t like it and Oh my God, you know what? They probably didn’t like it. Otherwise, they would have come back to me right away. They would have given me feedback.” Or there was hesitation the minute they said, “Yeah, girl, it was great.” Or they just use great versus it was amazing. Oh my God, it was life-changing. I totally get it. Like all of those things are going to stand in your way. And so, knowing that, knowing that okay, there’s going to be things that are going to stand in my way and how badly do I want this? How badly do I want this? So, now we’re going to come up with a date that you can’t go back on girl because you’re in the group. And I know you, so I’m going to be on your house.
[VERONICA]: We know that all of this is happening for us. And this is why, women, this is why we stay stuck. And I shouldn’t have just said women. This is why, especially moms stay stuck because of the guilt, because of the resentment, because we don’t want to be criticized. We don’t want to be critiqued. We don’t want to fail. You know, we have this high standard. We don’t want to get it wrong. You’re going to get it wrong. I’m just starting with this podcast and launching it and I’ve probably got it wrong, I don’t know, 50,000 times already. And so, if we set a date, we can now hold ourselves accountable. So, either way, we’ve already said we want it. So, now we have to go ahead and follow through with the state and we can’t go back because you have to order it. And I’m going to, I want proof that you ordered it. When you’re in the group, you’re going to have, I want you to post it like, “Veronica. I did it. Here’s proof. So, give me a date.”
[BRIDGET]: Yes. Okay. Let’s first start with what is today? One sprint to start with? What is the date today because —
[VERONICA]: It the fourth? Is it the fourth?
[BRIDGET]: Yeah. Okay. So, let’s say, by, I know I probably could do it sooner, but I’m going to say the 14th.
[VERONICA]: Okay. So, right there. Well, listen to what you just said. “I could probably do it sooner, but …”
[VERONICA]: Okay. So, I’m already hearing, “I don’t believe in myself. I can’t do it.” Like all of that negative self-talk is coming up, which is also part of you self-sabotaging. And it’s okay if it’s an excuse. We’re starting to understand why. And so, are you comfortable with the 14th or are you going to forget about this and on the 14th you could be like, “Oh wait a minute. Veronica mentioned something. We talked about something. Something’s due today.” Because if you tell me, “Veronica, you know what, by the 14th, because of this and this and this and this. This is in line with this and I have to wait anyway by that time because of this.” “Oh, okay. Well, yeah, the 14th.” But if you’re telling me this, because it’s like, “Mh, well, it gives me a little bit of cushion and Veronica, you’re going to forget about this anyway, so,” okay now.
[BRIDGET]: Yeah, totally. You’re right and you just busted me. So, let’s say today’s the fourth. So, I will say in four days. By the eighth, then I will.
[VERONICA]: Yay. Okay. So, everybody listening is cheering you on. All right. So, Bridget is going to get it done. Repeat the date.
[BRIDGET]: April 8th.
[VERONICA]: Oh, it’s happening. April 8th. So, four days. So, for those of you listening, you got to get into the free Facebook group so you can see and hold Bridget accountable. And in addition to that, oh, wait a minute. This is going to air after. So, never mind. You’re going to see if she did it or not. So, here we go. So, we have the dates. Okay, now what steps? Give me quick and easy, three steps. What steps do you need to take right now to make that happen? Do you need to schedule it on your phone? Do you need time every day? Like, do you need an hour of only you doing this work? Like, what do you need to do to make this happen? Give me three steps.
[BRIDGET]: For sure I’ll schedule in the time on my calendar to where I’m blocking out time.
[BRIDGET]: So then also eliminate, like at that same time, eliminating outside sources, like I said, Facebook, texts, calls, you know, everything else. Mom, can you do this? Hey, can you do this? Honey, can you do this? You know, I’m blocked out and this is no I’m literally working, like working towards something. So, blocking out that time, number one. Number two, just like breaking it down to the actual task is research. What the content is and creating that content. And number three will just literally be building it, like making it and ordering it. That’s it.
[VERONICA]: Boom, boom. It’s going to happen. It’s already happening. It’s already happening. I’m excited. Like you can’t see me. I’m like doing my dance. It’s happening. It’s happening. Okay. So, now I’m going to ask you, what did you learn from this conversation that we had? What’s your takeaway?
[BRIDGET]: I learned a lot, like, I think one of the bigger takeaways is honestly like a question of where does that come from of the social norm that moms have to put themselves first over anything else. And why is that better than putting ourselves first? Like, why would I be a better mom if I put everyone else first? Who created that? Who said that? And why do I feel that way? Like, because I think it’s not justified and I can’t even pinpoint it. Like if there was someone where I could be like, “Oh yeah, it’s this stupid magazine I read and that’s dumb.” Then I would be able to like, disregard it.
But because it’s just out there everywhere or nowhere in the same sense, then it’s mostly me. It’s not anything else. It’s me that created that somewhere, someway, somehow. So, I think that’s the biggest takeaway that I’ve got that it’s just me making these things up in my mind that I’m not a good enough mom. If I put myself first, I’m not good enough. So, yeah. That’s huge.
[VERONICA]: Very awesome. Awesome. Okay. Last two questions. You’ve done amazing. Amazing. Like just kind of listening to you in the beginning to where you’re at right now, complete, complete transition, like a great transition. So, the question I ask all my guests, what are you doing right now to live the life you want to live?
[BRIDGET]: Taking action.
[BRIDGET]: Like I just told you a date. So, therefore that was an action. That was a minor step and then as soon as I get off this with you, then I’m putting it into my calendar before I move, before I literally move so that I’m not like, “Oh yeah. Was I supposed to do like you said?” Like literally going to put it in my calendar the second and then, like one foot in front of the other. That’s it. Moving [crosstalk]
[VERONICA]: Absolutely. All right. Now, what advice would you give to the mom who is currently feeling stressed and disconnected? If she was standing right in front of you, what advice would you give her?
[BRIDGET]: First of all, just breathe. If she’s feeling stressed and disconnected, just breathe and look into herself and find the good; what’s good in her, her good qualities, her good skills, even if she wants to, but mostly qualities and find a way to show those to the world. Like I know that one of mine is my passions and one of my skills per se is helping others. I’m just that type of person. Not everyone is an extrovert. Not everyone likes to be social, but I do. And I am, and that’s a talent and a skill and something that I can use to be the best person I can be in this world before my time’s up.
So, to allow myself to not use it is breaking my own heart. I know it sounds funny, but I’m literally breaking my own heart by not doing that or not being that person that I want to be. So, if I was standing in front of someone, just like I feel like I’ve been in the past, then I would be like, “Look, girl, you got this, take a breath. You can do this. I can see these qualities in you. Can you see these qualities? Let’s start there and bring those qualities out and then look into how can you use these qualities? How can you take one step? How can you move one foot in front of the other? And number two, connect with Veronica. Check out my girl, Veronica. She can help you. She can coach you. She can guide you. Definitely check her out.”
[VERONICA]: You did it. You did it. I have to say ladies, please, please, please go straight to your iTunes. And I want you to rate and review this. And I want you so badly to shower Bridget, with words of encouragement because she was so brave. And she’s our first person that I’ve ever coached on the podcast. Not ever coached in my life. Don’t get it twisted, but like just the first person that I’ve coached on the podcast. And she did such an amazing job. So, please, please, please, if you can relate with her, if you can identify with her, hell, if you feel like you are her, please put it in the rate and review. Bridget, thank you so very much. I am so proud of you. I know this was a whole lot to ask and you did it. You totally did it.
[BRIDGET]: Oh, you’re the sweetest. Thank you. I really appreciate it. I do you feel like legit excited. Like I feel so great right now. I feel like excited to literally take the next step. So, I’m so happy I did this. Thank you. Thanks for inviting me.
[VERONICA]: Absolutely. Absolutely. All right guys. Until later, until then, until whenever. I don’t know what I’m saying. It’s been a long day. All right, you guys I’ll see you later. Bye.
What’s up ladies. Just want to let you guys know that your ratings and reviews for this podcast are greatly appreciated. If you love this podcast, please go to iTunes right now and rate and review. Thank you, guys.
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