When did I become this nag that everybody wants to avoid? When did I become this person that is constantly irritated, frustrated, and can’t wait for the kids to go to sleep? When did I become this person who doesn’t have time or is too tired for intimacy? When did I become this person who completely forgot who she was, and what her purpose was?
Sound familiar mama? I bet it does, and it sucks, but this was once my story. I couldn’t go on being frustrated, irritated, and always putting myself last, so I made a choice, a choice to put myself first, and today I want to share this with you.
In This Podcast
- You’re feeling tired, resentful, and disconnected
- What you need to understand
- This is not resentment, it’s insecurity
You’re feeling tired, resentful, and disconnected
You’re feeling tired, resentful, and disconnected… Where are you at in life? Are you happy? If the answer is ‘no’, then what are you going to do about it?
What most of you might say is ‘well, I’m waiting’, ‘I’m happy when my kids are happy’ or ‘I’m waiting for my husband and eventually he’ll catch up’ but the reality is [that] honey, you are going to be waiting for a really long time. You are going to be waiting a long time for somebody to make you happy …. Nobody can make you happy, it’s something you have to do on your own. (Veronica Cisneros)
We put ourselves in the position that the household does not, and struggles to, run without us. Why have we put ourselves in this position? We have created this monster and the family recognizes that the household cannot run without you: this is the trap.
This is why you have become the nag: you want things to be done a certain way and refuse to allow anybody to go off the path.
Ladies, this absolutely sucks on so many levels. It sucks for us because when we ask the question “how did I manage to lose me”, you have lost yourself because you compromised yourself over and over. You lost yourself because you no longer put yourself first, you’ve attempted to do everything for everyone, leaving very little space for you. (Veronica Cisneros)
What you need to understand
Step out of the role of constant nagging or controlling. Give your family, your kids, and your partner the chance to learn from their mistakes or from what they decide to do without you guiding them.
I know you don’t want your family or kids to suffer unnecessarily, but they can’t learn from their mistakes if you keep trying to stop them.
What I realized was [that] my family was going to be okay. They’re going to be just fine, and it’s not that they don’t need me, they just don’t want me as a nag, as a constant helicopter over everybody and I don’t want to be that person either. So I said “I’m just going to enjoy everything”. (Veronica Cisneros)
What you then realize is that you can also curate and create an experience for yourself. There has never been a time, and never will be a time, where you work on yourself and regret it. When you realize this, you will come to the painful but necessary realization that you are the one holding yourself back.
This is not resentment, it’s insecurity
That incredibly powerful feeling of frustration, the feeling of not being appreciated and resentment that so many mothers and wives feel in their homes is not always the only resentment: behind that anger is insecurity. People who feel afraid to fail and therefore push everyone else to constantly succeed and do well.
These insecurities interfere with your progress and ability to grow because they keep you stuck in patterns and behaviors that you think will take you to a place of peace and calmness.
Most of us are so afraid to fail, we’re so afraid to get it wrong so therefore we want the answers to everything. Ladies, this isn’t a quick and simple fix. It requires you to identify what [you] truly want in life and the minute you are able to identify [that] and you have the desire and willingness to go ahead and pursue it, then is when the road becomes so much easier. (Veronica Cisneros)
The hard truth is that you are making the choice to live life this way.
You can teach your family to help you, to pick up the slack, and be an active part of the family unit because even though you make life easier for them by controlling everything, they would not want you to suffer and you do not want to be burnt out.
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Meet Veronica Cisneros
I’m a licensed therapist and women walk into my office every day stressed and disconnected. As a mom of three daughters, I want my girls to know who they are and feel confident about their future. I can’t think of a better way to help other women than by demonstrating an empowered and unapologetic life.
So I started Empowered and Unapologetic to be a safe space for women to be vulnerable and change their lives for the better before she ever needs to see a therapist.
Thanks for listening!
[VERONICA CISNEROS]: And I start by doing that. I started to realize, wait a minute, this is what actually makes me happy and these are the conversations I want to have and this is the type of experience I want to feel. So I noticed that the minute I kind of stepped back and I wasn’t trying to control everything, I was just fully working on myself, everything’s just seemed to work out.
Imagine a life where you feel supported, connected, and understood. I get it. Being a mom is so hard, especially when you’re spinning so many plates. We exhaust ourselves trying to create the perfect life for our family. You deserve to enjoy your family without the stress perfectionism brings. On this podcast, I provide practical and relatable life experiences. I teach women quick and easy to use strategies to help them reclaim their identity, re-ignite their marriage, and enjoy their children. If you’re ready to be challenged, then pull up a chair, grab a pen and paper because it’s about to go down. I’m Veronica Cisneros, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and this is Empowered and Unapologetic.
How did I manage to lose? When did I become this nag that everybody wants to avoid? When did I become this person that is constantly irritated, frustrated, and can’t wait for the kids to go to sleep? When did I become this person that looks at intimacy and just shrugs because we don’t have time or I’m too tired? When did I become this person who completely forgot who she was and why she had a purpose? Damn, I sound so pathetic. Like how did I become this person that is completely consumed by everybody else’s tasks and supporting everyone except for my own dreams? Do I even know what the hell those dreams are? I can’t remember the last time I thought about what I really wanted. Hell I can’t remember the last time I thought about what I really liked. I’m so busy trying to make sure I don’t off my husband. I’m so busy trying to make sure that I put my kids to sleep. I’m so busy making sure the kid’s homework’s done, the household chores are done. I’m just so busy and I’m tired.
Is this what life’s going to look like for the rest of my life? I don’t talk to my husband because the minute I talk to my husband, it ends up becoming this argument. Like, why can’t he just have a conversation without blowing up? Why can’t I ask him a question without him shutting down? Why do I have to act like I’m walking eggshells? Why? I’ve been asking myself a lot of why questions without any answers. Is it because I don’t know? Is it because nobody taught me? I mean, am I supposed to read a book, listen to a podcast? Where the hell am I supposed to find these answers?
Hey ladies, my name is Veronica Cisneros. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist and I’m here for you. I’m here because I was once you. I was once in this state where I was completely consumed by everybody’s responsibilities. I was completely consumed by tasks, household chores. I was consumed with wanting to live this life of perfection. Well, at least I try to make it look like we had this perfect life. My kids were well-groomed, my husband was fed, but if you came in to our house, maybe 30 minutes before we presented, then you would find us yelling. You would find me and my husband arguing, you would find the kids hiding in the room so they wouldn’t have to hear me or completely ignoring me or on their phones, if I’m just being completely honest. And so much has changed since then, so much so that I found myself where I went to the other extreme.
I went to the other extreme with, “I’m just not going to do anything at all. Screw it. I mean, nobody’s going to appreciate it anyway.” What I realized was not only is that unhealthy, but it’s not necessarily how I want my kids to remember me. So I had to find out what this happy medium was and finding out what this happy medium was meant I had to find answers. Well, so I thought. I thought I had to find all of these answers. Who the hell was going to provide me with these answers? So I would read books, I attended therapy sessions, I would talk to my friends. What I found was I needed a therapist to challenge me and the therapist that I were going to, they weren’t necessarily challenging me. My friends, well, my friends were only giving me these words of encouragement and if I’m being quite frankly honest, they were providing me with what I wanted to hear, not what I really needed to hear.
So I would read books and the same thing, it’s like, it was band-aids. Left and right, band-aids, band-aids, band-aids. You know, “Here’s what to do. Just breathe deeply, take time out, make sure that you have a scheduled day, make sure that you do this and you do that and all of these things you need to do.” Well that will work for a short period of time, but it didn’t fulfill me. I wasn’t enjoying life. Instead, I felt like I was back on this hamster wheel again, compromising myself because that’s what just felt familiar. I noticed that my relationships, my husband, my relationship with my kids, I don’t want to say it didn’t exist, but it just didn’t feel right. I’ll tell you that. It didn’t feel right. Like, why am I irritated all the time? What I realized was I was completely disconnected and I resented everyone.
I didn’t even know that that was a word. I didn’t know that it was resentment that I was feeling. I thought it was just anger, frustration and feeling overwhelmed. But the reality is it was resentment and it was resentment because I felt as if I put myself last and nobody appreciated it. I felt as if I put myself last and my husband didn’t support me, my husband didn’t acknowledge me. And that was this horrible feeling because I didn’t feel like we were together. I felt like we were more, I don’t know, I felt like we were roommates. I felt like we were business partners like, “Tag, you’re in. Now it’s your shift.” You know, I’ll be praying for you because the kids aren’t going to aren’t taking any prisoners today.
So it was just this constant battle over and over again with life. And being a therapist, what I’ve realized is it’s not necessarily the answers. Although people come to me asking for answers, it’s not the answers. It’s helping them identify where they’re at right now in life. Where are you at right now in life? What does this look like? And so for you, listeners that are listening to me right now, I’m asking you that question. Where are you at in life? Are you happy? If the answer is no. Well, what are you doing to ensure happiness? What are you doing right now to experience joy? What most of you might say is, “Well, I’m waiting and I’m happy when my kids are happier. I’m waiting for my husband and eventually he’ll catch up.” But the reality is honey, you’re going to be waiting for a very long time.
You’re going to be waiting a long time for somebody to make you happy. Nobody, nobody, absolutely nobody. And I know you’ve heard this before, but nobody can make you happy. It’s something you have to do on your own. Let’s take for example, your relationship. So your husband’s not talking and he shuts down and you can’t have in-depth conversations with him. So what are you supposed to do? Are you supposed to wait until he’s ready? Because again, you’re going to be waiting a long time. I had a mom share with me, one of the people that I coach, one of the women that I coach people, one of the women that I coach and she had said to me, “I’m torn because I’m the only one working on myself and he won’t see my effort until he changes. He’s still stuck on how I used to be and there’s this story in his head that he replays. So I’m a prisoner to that. So our marriage, isn’t going to get to the next level until he works on himself.”
And you know, she was met with defeat because it’s like, “No matter what I do, he’s never going to change. And so I’m just going to stop. I’m going to stop where I’m at, because it’s just not going to happen. And you know, as long as I stop, well, I’m not putting myself in this position of vulnerability and instead I’m protecting myself.” Right away, I had challenged her and said, “That’s actually not what’s happening. What’s actually happening is you’re building this wedge between you and your husband and if I’m quite frankly honest, you’re playing games, you’re playing with fire. And so I get, you’re torn. I get you’re torn with working on yourself and him not supporting it. I get you’re torn with him feeling stuck and I understand where you feel like you’re doing your best and you don’t see any effort from him. I understand that this is all his doing. You feel like this is all his doing. But the reality is it’s not.”
I hate to be so no, you know what? I’m going to take that back. I’m going to give it to you and here’s why, because I’m going to give it to you with love. It’s very important that I challenge all of you. Ladies, we’ve put ourselves in this position where the household doesn’t run without us. Why have we put ourselves in this position? Well, because we have answers; when the house is dirty, we know exactly what to do to clean it. We know how to organize. We know how to structure things. And so we’ve created this monster. In addition to that, our family recognizes that the house cannot run without us. So guess what? Now we’ve said to them, we’ve literally cemented or stamped or created this foundation where the house cannot run without us. So we set ourselves up for this trap.
That’s really the reason why you’ve become the nag. You become the nag because you’ve wanted things to be done a certain way and refuse to allow anybody to go off the path. I think about when we were at the Lake, we, we go to the Lake often. You know, we’re there, we have fun, and it’s our sense of relief. It’s our getaway. But I remember when we picked our spot, so we get to the river and the biggest struggle for anybody that goes out to the river, the biggest struggle is finding your spot. Sometimes your spot is taken if you wake up late. And so you’re finding this cove, or are you finding this area where you can put all of your stuff, put up your pop-ups, set up your chairs, get everything ready so you can enjoy the rest of your day. And so my family, we have this routine. So once we find our spot, nobody plays. Everybody’s taking everything off the boat and no lie, it looks like we’ve moved a three story house into a boat because that’s how much crap we take. Emptying out chairs, emptying out floaties, emptying out everything, food, stereo, you name it.
So the minute we’re done, I’m right away on everybody. “Did you guys put sunblock on?” So of course they get the eye rolls, “No, mom, I didn’t get put sunblock on. I’ll put it on right now.” “Well, you got to get out of the water. You got to get out of the water because you got to dry up and you got to do these things.” And then, “Willie, did you put sunblock on?” “Oh, I forgot.” “No, it’s okay. I’ll go ahead and put sunblock on you.” And so I’m managing all of these things and then, “Did you guys even eat your breakfast?” “No, mom, I didn’t eat it.” “Sit down and go eat. Brooklyn, did you bring your sand toys?” “No.” “What do you mean you didn’t bring your sand toys? You were supposed to bring your sand toys. I told you like 15 times to bring them.” “Mom, I didn’t bring them. It’s okay. I’ll just play in the sound.”
The back of my mind I’m thinking, “No, it’s not okay. Because now I’m going to try to figure out a way to entertain you and your dad’s going to take forever to go out and blow these things up because you guys have 50,000 blowups. We have the paddle board, we have the kayak,” oh yes, those are blow up. Get them at Costco. They’re awesome. But anyway, we have all of these toys that dad has to blow up and so from now, until then, you’re not going to have anything to play with except for sand. And you’re going to be so upset because you’re going to want to shovel things and then you’re going to complain. And I just don’t want to hear it. Does this sound familiar ladies? We’re constantly nagging. That’s not the goal.
That’s really not the goal for us to nag. We want to make sure everybody’s having fun. We just want everybody to have fun and they’re not. They’re not going to have fun because they’re going to come back with sunburns. You know, they’re not going to have their toys and so they’re going to be bored and I’m going to have to hear you complain. Well, I realized, Holy crap, I did become the nag. I’m yelling at everybody. This is supposed to be our time to completely relax. This is supposed to be our time where we’re in dead silence and we’re actually enjoying each other. And all I wanted to do right now is scream because why am I the only person worried about all of these things? And then I noticed my husband goes straight to the boat and starts filling up things. So he’s avoiding me.
My kids end up going on some little adventure hike and here I am sitting on our sand chairs and I’m left alone. I’m the one that’s actually protecting everybody. I’m the one that’s looking out for everybody. How the hell am I left alone? Why doesn’t anybody want to be around me? Well, nobody wants to be around me because I’m constantly trying to control everybody. I’m trying to control the situation. Moms, do you ever find yourself trying to control the situation and again, feeling as if I’m doing this for your own good, I’m doing this so you don’t end up sunburned. I’m doing this so you have things to play with. I’m doing this so you have a clean house or food in your belly. Like I’m doing all of these things for you. It’s no wonder they don’t appreciate it. No wonder that they don’t appreciate it because we’re constantly on them and we don’t allow life to happen. Ladies, this absolutely sucks on so many levels. It sucks for us because when we ask the question, how did I manage to lose me, well, you’ve lost yourself because you’ve compromised yourself over and over. You’ve lost yourself because you no longer put yourself first. You’ve attempted to do everything for everyone, leaving very little space for you.
And so what I realized while we were at the river was well on that day, I was like, “You know what? I’m not doing this anymore. They all know to put sunblock on. All of them. All of them know to put sunblock on. I don’t want to be the nag.” And so what did I do? I told the girls, “Listen, you all know how to put sunblock on and I know you’re all having fun and so I’m not going to say it anymore.” However, let’s agree that you’re going to put sunblock on.” “Yes, mom. Of course I am.” I did the same thing with my husband. I don’t want to be the nag. I actually want to have fun. And if I put sunblock on and I ask you, “Hey, do you want me to put sunblock on you,” and you say, no, I’m going to let it be. “Okay, mom. Okay. Everybody deal, deal, deal.” That day, I thought of all of the things I wanted to do while we were at the river. So the minute my husband blew up the paddleboard, I was gone.
I told my husband, “Hey, I’m going to go out for a paddle. I don’t even know what you call it. Is it a paddle? I’m going to go out for a swim, I’m not swimming, but you know what I mean? I’m just going to go out. And so he’s like, “All right, cool.” And of course he’s watching the kids. Ladies, it was the best feeling ever, the absolute best feeling ever, because I was finally by myself. I wasn’t responsible for anybody, I didn’t have to check in with anybody. I was on my own and it felt so good. It’s crazy because it was a part of me that wanted to go out and paddle back to make sure that the kids put sunblock on but I didn’t. I didn’t. You would be so proud of me because I didn’t. I just kept on paddling and then I noticed, okay, wait a minute. I’m going kind of far. Like, it’s not dangerous. I wasn’t doing anything dangerous but I noticed like, wait a minute. I’m going really, really far from my family. And then that mom guilt set in, “What are the girls doing? Are they having fun? Is my husband okay? Does he feel like he has everything on his shoulders?”
And I was like, “Wait a minute. Wait a fricking minute. They’re fine. My husband’s a grown man and that’s actually, he is not babysitting our kids. They’re his kids. So he’s spending time with his kids and he doesn’t want them in any danger, just like, I don’t want them to in any danger. So why am I having a problem with this?” And I sat out there and then I looked at my watch and I was like, okay, 10 minutes have passed, 15 minutes pass. Why am I feeling so freaking anxious about this? What the hell is going on? Why do I feel like I have to automatically race back and check up on everybody? And I’m not going to lie. It just kind of felt like this tug of war over and over again. Like I need to go back. I need to make sure everything’s fine. I need to make sure that kids are having fun. I need to make sure my husband’s having fun and I wasn’t having fun. So what I ended up doing was I ended up sitting down on my paddle board and while sitting down, I put my feet in the water, I’m not going to lie, the minute I put my feet in the water, I got a little scared because I don’t want anything touching my feet.
Like I don’t want a little fishy touching my feet. I don’t want anything touching my feet, but whatever I digress. So I’m there sitting on the paddle board and I just started to look around and I had paddled far enough where I couldn’t hear the kids anymore. I was just taking it all in. The mountains surrounded me like, and it was just nothing but water. For miles and miles water. And it was just so beautiful and so peaceful. You know, you could hear the birds, you could feel the wind. I felt the sun hitting my face and it was absolutely amazing. I just kept on looking at the mountains and thinking, “Holy crap, this is just mind blowing.” I don’t know. I’m not going to get all religious on you guys but it was like, “God created this.” And then I thought to myself, “Wait a minute. I set my life up this way so I felt like I was in control. Why did I do this? Well, I did this because I don’t like feeling out of control. I don’t like not having the answers. I did this so I had some sense of peace.”
But I didn’t have peace. Peace was what I was experiencing right out in the water, on my paddleboard. That was peace. Peace wasn’t control. And so I decided, you know what? I’m going to stay out here. I’m not going to time it. I’m just going to stay out here and I’m going to just enjoy mother nature. I’m going to enjoy all of this. I’m going to enjoy my peace and then when I go back, I’m going to do whatever the hell I want to do. Whatever I to do.
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[VERONICA]: So eventually I ended up paddleboarding back and I ended up enjoying the day. What do I want to do next? Well, you know what? I want to go out with my husband and take the kids on the tubes. So that’s exactly what we did. Then you know what? I want to sit down and I want to have lunch. And you know what, I actually want to drink this drink. I don’t want to drink this one. I want to drink this one. And my kids had even noticed, “Wait a minute, mom, what are you doing? You don’t want this one?” “Nope, Nope. Not at all. This is what I want.” Because usually mom gets the leftovers, whatever the kids don’t want. But I was like, “Hell no, I’m picking first.” And so I did that throughout the day and I wasn’t nagging the kids. I made sure that I was refraining from nagging the kids, refraining from being my husband’s mother, because I do not want to be my husband’s mother.
He has a mom. I don’t need to be a second mom. And so I just enjoyed myself and I’m going to tell you what we had the best trip ever. I don’t want to say this, but I’m going to say it and guess the kids were burned. Yes they were. But one thing I realized is that’s the reason why I’m on everybody because I don’t want them to be hurt. I don’t want them to be in pain, but they were able, so they were able to learn. I’m going to tell you the next day, when we went out to the water, the girls were grabbing the sunblock. They couldn’t get enough of it. They kept on spray me. Matter of fact, they continued to remind me, “Mom, it’s time to spray me.” And it was like, huh, I don’t allow my family any time to learn anything. I’m so busy trying to control everything. And the same thing with my husband. He’s like, “Hey, totally, my back is burnt. Can you spray me today?” And what I realized was my family is going to be okay. They’re going to be just fine. It’s not that they don’t need me. It’s just, they don’t want me as a nag. They don’t want me as this constant helicopter over everybody.
And I don’t want to be that person either. And so instead, I’m just going to enjoy everything and that’s exactly what I did moving forward. I start by doing that. I started to realize, wait a minute, this is what actually makes me happy and these are the conversations I want to have and this is the type of experience I want to feel. So I noticed that the minute I kind of stepped back and I wasn’t trying to control everything, I was just fully working on myself, everything’s just seemed to work out. That goes with communication as well. You know for those women that feel like, “If I don’t, if I change my husband’s not going to support it. If I’m the only one working on myself, then I’m going to end up resenting him.” Ladies, I’m here to tell you. I work with so many women on this particular topic. And there has never been a time where a woman worked on herself and she completely felt like, well, that was a waste. There’s never been a time. Everybody that I’ve worked with, they’ve been able to go ahead and pass through those dysfunctional patterns where they felt once safe.
And everybody I worked with at one point realized, wait a minute, you mean to tell me this entire time I’ve been holding myself back? Yes, yes. You know, it goes back to that phrase, existing versus living. How are you existing in your marriage? You just keep thinking that you got to do better, you got to keep going, you got to allow time to heal. That’s wrong. It’s unhealthy. Yes, I’m saying it’s wrong because it is. It’s completely unhealthy. Your marriage is not going to go anywhere. It’s going to continue to stay stagnant. Nothing is going to change. So instead I want you to pay attention to what you want in life and write it down, grab a pen and paper. What the hell do I really want my life to look like? What keeps me from living this life? Is it the fact that I don’t believe it’s possible? Is it the fact that I’ve lived this way for so long? I don’t know anything else.
Because if that’s the case, ladies, I got you. I’m going to help you. Matter of fact, that’s my entire mission; is to help women step outside of their comfort zones and live the life they want to live by reigniting their marriage, by reclaiming their identity, by connecting with their children and being a present exceptional mom, not being the nag, not being the one everybody wants to avoid. I know you’ve been there and I know sometimes you feel like this is the only way. I’m here to tell you it’s not. It’s not. We can do something better. Matter of fact, it’s very important we do things better because most of us are burnt out. We are. We’re completely existing or resenting our families because we don’t feel appreciated.
What’s really behind that is our insecurities if I’m going to just be quite frankly honest. It’s our insecurities. It’s our insecurities that are interfering with our marriage. It’s our insecurities that are interfering with our parenting styles. It’s our insecurities that are interfering with our progress and the ability to grow. Most of us are so afraid to fail. We’re so afraid to get it wrong. So therefore we want the answers to everything. Ladies, this isn’t a quick and simple fix. It’s not. It requires you to identify what do I truly want in life? And the minute you’re able to identify what you truly want in life and you have this desire and willingness to go ahead and want to pursue it then and only then is when the road becomes so much more easier and the tools. And the strategies that I provide you, they actually make sense because you don’t have that tug of war between control and living.
We don’t want that. We don’t want that constant battle. We don’t want that constant tug of war where you’re trying to control your life or just enjoying and embracing the moment. Either way, if you’re going to go that route where I’m just going to allow time to heal, I’m just going to allow my husband to eventually get it, well, that’s hard. That’s really, really hard and matter of fact, it actually sucks because I’m waiting for something to happen that may never happen. But then the other route where I’m willing to go ahead and open up, I’m willing to go out and embrace change, I’m willing to learn, well, that’s hard too, because I have to sit in discomfort. I have to learn from somebody and trust somebody to guide me along the way.
I have to trust Veronica. I have to trust Veronica to guide me along the way. And that’s hard too, but it goes back to that question. Which hard do you prefer? Do you prefer the hard, which keeps you stagnant or do you prefer the hard that creates change? Choose your hard. I’m really asking you ladies, I’m really asking you to choose your hard because where you’re at in your relationship with your marriage, where you’re at with your relationship with your kids? Is this what you want it to look like five years from now? Because if your answer is no, let’s do something. Let’s do something to change it. So how can I participate in the moment and allow life to happen? By being able to embrace it, recognizing that you are making an active choice to live this life this way. You are making an active choice. “But Veronica, you don’t understand. If I do it the other way, my husband’s not going to help me. If I do it that way my husband’s not going to support me.”
Yes, he’s not. You know why? Because he knows you’re going to revert back because you’ve done it in the past. “Veronica, you don’t understand. If I live the life I want to live, then the dishes aren’t going to get washed. If I live the life I want to live, then my kids aren’t going to brush their teeth and I’m going to have to nag them eventually.” Well, not necessarily. Why don’t you teach them? Why not teach them? Ladies, I have three kids too. I have an 18 year old, a 14 year old and a 10 year old. So I get it. And I’m going to tell you right now, my kids are not a hundred percent a well-mannered. They’re not. I’d like them to be.
They all have different personalities. And I’ve noticed that whenever I’ve taken this rigid, controlling approach, it hasn’t necessarily worked. So I don’t want to do that anymore. I noticed that whenever I take this rigid approach, me and my husband are less connected. I don’t want to do that anymore. Instead, I really want to embrace life. And so that’s exactly what I’m going to teach you; is how to embrace life. I get so many complaints about women not being able to communicate with their husbands. I get so many complaints about husbands not willing to change. How do you convince your husband that self self-care and mommy alone time is important when he doesn’t really believe in self-care and alone time. Is that you? Are you feeling it right now? Because I hear it. I hear it often. What do I do when you fundamentally disagree on something? How can you be present with your spouse daily? I mean its a hectic rush or life with the kids.
What happens if you grow apart in your interests, attraction, desires and drives don’t line up anymore? What are conflict resolution tools? What is the best way to keep the spark and moments going versus just going through the day-to-day motions when you have kids, work and you fall asleep by eight? I want to feel like I’m dating my spouse versus feeling like roommates. Ladies, it starts with you. It really does. I know that sounds crazy, but it really starts with you. And I’m not saying it starts with you to change your husband or it starts with you to change your kids. Hell no, I’m not saying that at all. What I’m saying is it starts with you. We got to work on you. We got to work on building up those communication skills. We got to work on building up that confidence. We got to work on reclaiming your identity, helping you identify who you are. That’s what this is.
I know it sounds crazy. Like, wait a minute, “How is working on me going to help me with my marriage?” Because you’re going to be happy. Because you’re no longer going to have all of these expectations that you place on your husband. Instead, you’re going to actually enjoy him. You’re not going to have all of these expectations on your kids who probably feel anxious all the time. Instead, you’re going to enjoy them. And the answers to these questions, they require some work, but I got you. I got you with that work. It’s not hard work. It isn’t. It’s not hard once you make an active choice to live your life.
A part of me had to die. And I say that and I know that’s a bit exaggerated, but literally a part of me had to die in order for me to be where I’m at today. That part of me was killing me. It was killing me. It wanted me to be this wife who had meals cooked every single day, it wanted me to have a well-kept house. It wanted me to have perfect kids. It wanted me to have a fed and satisfied husband. That was drowning me. It was exhausting me and I don’t think a lot of us realize that. We feel like, well, this is just day to day. You know, we take our kids to practice, we take our kids to school. There’s no time for intimacy. There’s no time for romance. There’s no time for connection. The only thing there’s time for is for us to brush our teeth and go to bed. That’s a lie. That’s a lie. I’ve worked with way too many couples and I’ve called their asses out. That is a lie. That is a lie. You do not make it a priority. You know why you don’t make it a priority? Because all you know is the same dysfunctional pattern over and over.
So you want to revamp your relationship, you want that spark even when you work full time? You are capable of doing it. You are completely capable of doing it. You just have to do something different. You have to be willing to do something different, which means you got to be willing to step outside of your comfort zone and allow somebody to help you, a professional. I created Empowered and Unapologetic for women like you, for women who are struggling, for women who feel like it just doesn’t make sense. I don’t want this every single day, but I don’t see any other way out of it. Ladies, let me be your guide.
So I’m going to leave you with this and it’s a question I ask all of my guests. What are you doing right now to live the life you want to live? What are you doing? What does that look like? I want you to understand and be aware of this. I want you to understand and be aware of what you’re doing right now that’s creating this lifestyle. I know there are other people involved, but it’s your life. So let’s take ownership of it.
Many women lose their own identity in the shadow of being a mom and a wife. We are a community of women who support each other. We leave perfectionism behind to become empowered and unapologetic. I know you’re ready for the next steps. If you want to become empowered and unapologetic, get my free course, Unapologetically Me over empoweredandunapologetic.com/course.
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Empowered and Unapologetic is part of the Practice of the Practice Podcast Network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you thrive, imperfectly. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom Podcast, Imperfect Thriving, or Beta Male Revolution, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.