Do you struggle to accept compliments from your husband? Has the spark gone out of your marriage? Do you feel like you are handling everything and your husband isn’t doing much to help?

In this episode, Veronica (a Licensed Therapist) answers all of the questions you have about your marriage.

In This Podcast

Summary

  • Why is it so hard to accept compliments from him? I’m always thinking he has an ulterior motive.
  • How do I revamp the spark when we both work full-time and, honestly, have no time? What’s a better way to communicate without it feeling like an attack?
  • Why do women have to do all the big things, like thinking, planning, reminding, and cleaning?
  • How do you protect and grow your marriage when chronic pain, illness, and depression are along for the ride?
  • How do you establish a balance so that it doesn’t feel like you are doing it all? I don’t want to be the only one stressing over and money and life.
  • I think just talking about the importance of communicating in a marriage is a good topic. Everyone things their spouse is a mind reader.
  • How do you both move past bad patches where you both have said things that hurt the other in your long marriage?
  • How do I still stay true to myself yet be the person you need me to be?
  • Do our career goals align and, if not, how do we compromise to get what we both want?
  • I want to learn how to let go. Letting go of the expectations I have for myself and my family so that we can connect.

#1 Why is it so hard to accept compliments from him? I’m always thinking he has an ulterior motive.

There are a few reasons:

  1. You just don’t believe that what he’s saying matches how you feel about yourself
  2. You might have really high expectations on yourself, and feel as though you haven’t met them

“We have to challenge the way we see ‘sexy’ or ‘beautiful’, or the qualities that deserve a compliment.” – Veronica

#2 How do I revamp the spark when we both work full-time and, honestly, have no time? What’s a better way to communicate without it feeling like an attack?

Think about how you might be spending more time on things that don’t necessarily require all of your time. Don’t make everyone else, or every other task a priority instead of yourself. Of course you want sex, and you want to be a present mom. Don’t prioritise all of your tasks on your to-do list over being present in the moment. Why aren’t you making time for sex? When was the last time you flirted with your husband? What do you value the most?

With regards to the second part of the questions, you’ve got to get in control of your emotions and shift your mindset. Don’t view your partner as the husband. Be mindful of where you’re at when you’re communicating with him. Try to remember to view your husband as your partner who has the same goals as you. Most men tend to bottle things up, even if they don’t mean to. Here’s advice on what to do if he’s bottling things up.

#3 Why do women have to do all the big things, like thinking, planning, reminding, and cleaning?

The reason you are responsible for these things is because you have set your marriage up this way. When your husband has tried to help you in the past, you have proceeded to tell him all the ways in which he’s doing it wrong. So, naturally, he pulled back. Or, you did it and didn’t ask for help. Ultimately, you cannot change your husband, you can only inspire him. So learn to ask for help. Then, if he doesn’t do what you’ve asked, don’t do the task for him. If he said he will do it, let him do it in his own time. That is far better than building up resentment towards him. Here’s a link to the episode with Brandy and Billy on this very issue.

#4 How do you protect and grow your marriage when chronic pain, illness, and depression are along for the ride?

When we’re dealing with chronic pain, illness, and depression, it is very difficult for us to regulate our emotions. Here are some ways to help with this:

  1. Make sure you are attending all of your doctor appointments
  2. Also make sure you have a supportive environment
  3. Be mindful of where you’re at and communicate this to your partner
  4. Admit to one another that ‘this sucks’, but that it won’t break you, that you’re in this together
  5. Take care of yourself and ask your partner questions on how this is impacting them

#5 How do you establish a balance so that it doesn’t feel like you are doing it all? I don’t want to be the only one stressing over and money and life.

Do you have a budget? When did you last have a conversation about money? Have a conversation with your husband about where you see yourselves in 5-10 years from now and identify your (shared) goals. This requires a great amount of self-reflection. Ask yourself these questions: “How am I feeling unbalanced?”, “Who can I ask for help?”, and “Where can I make changes?”.

#6 I think just talking about the importance of communicating in a marriage is a good topic. Everyone things their spouse is a mind reader.

There is a significant amount of communication in a marriage. Far too many of us get locked into this thought, “We’ve been married so many years, how does he not know what I want?”. Stop playing mind games and communicate to your husband what you want. Face this now, don’t wait for a future date.

#7 How do you both move past bad patches where you both have said things that hurt the other in your long marriage?

The first step is to recognise that you don’t want to do this anymore. Acknowledge when you mess up. When you do this, it changes the conversation and enables you both to communicate. This only happens with vulnerability.

#8 How do I still stay true to myself yet be the person you need me to be?

Initially marriage is very confusing, and it only gets worse if you lose yourself. You have nothing to give because you don’t know who you are. That’s why it’s so important to stay true to yourself. This requires mindset, confidence, and trust. You have to be willing to start the process towards change. Don’t wait until you are on the verge of divorce to ask for help. You have to identify who you are outside of all of the roles that you play.

#9 Do our career goals align and, if not, how do we compromise to get what we both want?

You don’t need to compromise your dreams to align your career goals with your husband. If you do, you will only end up resenting him. Have a conversation about where you both want to go and what you both want to do. It may be challenging, but there is a way to pursue both of your dreams. Figure out a way to make it work. Remember, you are not against each other, you are for each other.

#10 I want to learn how to let go. Letting go of the expectations I have for myself and my family so that we can connect.

If you want to let go of your expectations, work on your confidence. Also, ask yourself why you have those expectations and why they are so important to you. If you let them go, what would that mean? How does it change you? Do they define who you are or represent your self worth? You need to get to the point where you realise that you no longer need those expectations. The minute you are able to let go, you are set free. You are no longer imprisoned my perfectionism. It is ok not to please and appease people. It is ok to be empowered and unapologetic!

Useful links:

Meet Veronica Cisneros

Veronica Cisneros | Empowered And Unapologetic PodcastI’m a licensed therapist and women walk into my office every day stressed and disconnected. As a mom of three daughters, I want my girls to know who they are and feel confident about their future. I can’t think of a better way to help other women than by demonstrating an empowered and unapologetic life.

So I started  Empowered and Unapologetic to be a safe space for women to be vulnerable and change their lives for the better before she ever needs to see a therapist.

Whether you listen to the podcast, join the free Facebook communityjoin the VIP community, or attend our annual retreat,  you’re in the right place. Let’s do this together!

Thanks for listening!

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Empowered and Unapologetic is part of the Practice of the Practice Podcast Network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you thrive, imperfectly. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom Podcast, Imperfect Thriving, or Beta Male Revolution, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.