Do you struggle to accept compliments from your husband? Has the spark gone out of your marriage? Do you feel like you are handling everything and your husband isn’t doing much to help?
In this episode, Veronica (a Licensed Therapist) answers all of the questions you have about your marriage.
In This Podcast
- Why is it so hard to accept compliments from him? I’m always thinking he has an ulterior motive.
- How do I revamp the spark when we both work full-time and, honestly, have no time? What’s a better way to communicate without it feeling like an attack?
- Why do women have to do all the big things, like thinking, planning, reminding, and cleaning?
- How do you protect and grow your marriage when chronic pain, illness, and depression are along for the ride?
- How do you establish a balance so that it doesn’t feel like you are doing it all? I don’t want to be the only one stressing over and money and life.
- I think just talking about the importance of communicating in a marriage is a good topic. Everyone things their spouse is a mind reader.
- How do you both move past bad patches where you both have said things that hurt the other in your long marriage?
- How do I still stay true to myself yet be the person you need me to be?
- Do our career goals align and, if not, how do we compromise to get what we both want?
- I want to learn how to let go. Letting go of the expectations I have for myself and my family so that we can connect.
#1 Why is it so hard to accept compliments from him? I’m always thinking he has an ulterior motive.
There are a few reasons:
- You just don’t believe that what he’s saying matches how you feel about yourself
- You might have really high expectations on yourself, and feel as though you haven’t met them
“We have to challenge the way we see ‘sexy’ or ‘beautiful’, or the qualities that deserve a compliment.” – Veronica
#2 How do I revamp the spark when we both work full-time and, honestly, have no time? What’s a better way to communicate without it feeling like an attack?
Think about how you might be spending more time on things that don’t necessarily require all of your time. Don’t make everyone else, or every other task a priority instead of yourself. Of course you want sex, and you want to be a present mom. Don’t prioritise all of your tasks on your to-do list over being present in the moment. Why aren’t you making time for sex? When was the last time you flirted with your husband? What do you value the most?
With regards to the second part of the questions, you’ve got to get in control of your emotions and shift your mindset. Don’t view your partner as the husband. Be mindful of where you’re at when you’re communicating with him. Try to remember to view your husband as your partner who has the same goals as you. Most men tend to bottle things up, even if they don’t mean to. Here’s advice on what to do if he’s bottling things up.
#3 Why do women have to do all the big things, like thinking, planning, reminding, and cleaning?
The reason you are responsible for these things is because you have set your marriage up this way. When your husband has tried to help you in the past, you have proceeded to tell him all the ways in which he’s doing it wrong. So, naturally, he pulled back. Or, you did it and didn’t ask for help. Ultimately, you cannot change your husband, you can only inspire him. So learn to ask for help. Then, if he doesn’t do what you’ve asked, don’t do the task for him. If he said he will do it, let him do it in his own time. That is far better than building up resentment towards him. Here’s a link to the episode with Brandy and Billy on this very issue.
#4 How do you protect and grow your marriage when chronic pain, illness, and depression are along for the ride?
When we’re dealing with chronic pain, illness, and depression, it is very difficult for us to regulate our emotions. Here are some ways to help with this:
- Make sure you are attending all of your doctor appointments
- Also make sure you have a supportive environment
- Be mindful of where you’re at and communicate this to your partner
- Admit to one another that ‘this sucks’, but that it won’t break you, that you’re in this together
- Take care of yourself and ask your partner questions on how this is impacting them
#5 How do you establish a balance so that it doesn’t feel like you are doing it all? I don’t want to be the only one stressing over and money and life.
Do you have a budget? When did you last have a conversation about money? Have a conversation with your husband about where you see yourselves in 5-10 years from now and identify your (shared) goals. This requires a great amount of self-reflection. Ask yourself these questions: “How am I feeling unbalanced?”, “Who can I ask for help?”, and “Where can I make changes?”.
#6 I think just talking about the importance of communicating in a marriage is a good topic. Everyone things their spouse is a mind reader.
There is a significant amount of communication in a marriage. Far too many of us get locked into this thought, “We’ve been married so many years, how does he not know what I want?”. Stop playing mind games and communicate to your husband what you want. Face this now, don’t wait for a future date.
#7 How do you both move past bad patches where you both have said things that hurt the other in your long marriage?
The first step is to recognise that you don’t want to do this anymore. Acknowledge when you mess up. When you do this, it changes the conversation and enables you both to communicate. This only happens with vulnerability.
#8 How do I still stay true to myself yet be the person you need me to be?
Initially marriage is very confusing, and it only gets worse if you lose yourself. You have nothing to give because you don’t know who you are. That’s why it’s so important to stay true to yourself. This requires mindset, confidence, and trust. You have to be willing to start the process towards change. Don’t wait until you are on the verge of divorce to ask for help. You have to identify who you are outside of all of the roles that you play.
#9 Do our career goals align and, if not, how do we compromise to get what we both want?
You don’t need to compromise your dreams to align your career goals with your husband. If you do, you will only end up resenting him. Have a conversation about where you both want to go and what you both want to do. It may be challenging, but there is a way to pursue both of your dreams. Figure out a way to make it work. Remember, you are not against each other, you are for each other.
#10 I want to learn how to let go. Letting go of the expectations I have for myself and my family so that we can connect.
If you want to let go of your expectations, work on your confidence. Also, ask yourself why you have those expectations and why they are so important to you. If you let them go, what would that mean? How does it change you? Do they define who you are or represent your self worth? You need to get to the point where you realise that you no longer need those expectations. The minute you are able to let go, you are set free. You are no longer imprisoned my perfectionism. It is ok not to please and appease people. It is ok to be empowered and unapologetic!
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Meet Veronica Cisneros
I’m a licensed therapist and women walk into my office every day stressed and disconnected. As a mom of three daughters, I want my girls to know who they are and feel confident about their future. I can’t think of a better way to help other women than by demonstrating an empowered and unapologetic life.
So I started Empowered and Unapologetic to be a safe space for women to be vulnerable and change their lives for the better before she ever needs to see a therapist.
Thanks for listening!
The minute you start to feel like, “Wait a minute. Yes, my relationship is good, but it feels like it could be better. And yes I have the house, the dog, the kids, everybody thinks we’re a happy couple, but just something doesn’t feel right.” That right there, my friend is when you got to start asking for help and leaning towards change, because that right there, if you don’t grab, it’s going to be so much more work in the long run.
Imagine a life where you feel supported, connected, and understood. I get it. Being a mom is so hard, especially when you’re spinning so many plates. We exhaust ourselves trying to create the perfect life for our family. You deserve to enjoy your family without the stress perfectionism brings. On this podcast, I provide practical and relatable life experiences. I teach women quick and easy to use strategies to help them reclaim their identity, re-ignite their marriage, and enjoy their children. If you’re ready to be challenged, then pull up a chair, grab a pen and paper because it’s about to go down. I’m Veronica Cisneros, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and this is Empowered and Unapologetic.
Ladies, welcome to Empowered and Unapologetic. I’m Veronica. So as you know, I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in women’s issues and marriage. If you could ask for marriage advice from a marriage therapist, what would your questions be? So I asked this exact question to the ladies that are in my private free Facebook group, and I was flooded with questions and I wanted to make sure I did an entire episode answering them. So here we go. Not going to waste any time. I’m just going to go straight to it.
First question. Why is it so hard to accept compliments from him? I’m always thinking he has an ulterior motive. Well, there’s a few reasons. One, you just don’t believe that what he’s saying matches how you feel about yourself. There’s some insecurities that you have. And so whenever he compliments you or looks at you or gives you that flirtatious eye, you hold back and automatically go into negative self-talk or self-sabotage. And then you do whatever you can to kind of disconnect. And so for people that have a difficult time accepting compliments, we got to work on those, that level of insecurity. In addition to that, you might have really, really high expectations on yourself and feel as if you haven’t met them. So therefore you don’t deserve the compliment.
I see this a lot, especially working with women. They have all of these expectations. “I need to look a certain way. I don’t have makeup. How can you think I’m pretty?” Hold on, wait a minute. Sorry, I just got to stop you right here because I’ve said this myself. There’s plenty of times where I’ve been in like a house dress and Willie said, “Damn, you’re fine.” And it’s like, “Dude, are you for real? I’m just in a house dress.” Sorry, I had a little bit of squirrel moment, but I had to share that because I struggled with that too. And every now and then, depending on what I’m wearing, it’s like, “How can you think this is sexy?” I have to remind myself, “Well, wait a minute. It is sexy and I do look good and I don’t have to be all glammed up. I can still be in my mom bun or yoga pants or the house dress and still be sexy.” So we have to challenge the way we see sexy or beautiful or qualities that deserve a compliment. And so I really want you to focus on how can I bring, how can I take myself out from living this life of expectations and embrace who I am the way I am?
Next question. How do I revamp the spark when you both work full-time and honestly have no time? What’s a better way to communicate without it feeling as an attack. Okay, so there’s a couple of questions here. Let me answer the first one. How to revamp the spark when you both work full-time and honestly have no time. Okay, girl, I’m there with you. I’m there with you because I own a private practice and I’m the owner of. Empowered and Unapologetic and I’m a wife and I have three gremlins. So yes, it’s a lot. And when you’re done, you want to be done. I want you to think about though what that actually means and how you might be spending more time on things that yes, sure, they require your attention, but they don’t require all of your time. I’m going to be honest.
For a long time, I was so focused on making sure the minute I went downstairs the house was cleaned or the dishes were put away or the kids’ schoolwork was done or Willie did whatever task I needed him to do. And if those things weren’t done, then that’s it night’s over. We got to finish those things. So I went from being upstairs, right now I’m working from home. I went from upstairs, working to downstairs, working to quickly putting the kids to bed and then spending 20 minutes of time with my husband so I can check that off the box and then go to bed. And sex did not happen. What I realized was, “Wait a minute, I’m making everybody else a priority, every task, a priority, except for myself.” And I say that, and I’m highlighting, I wasn’t making myself a priority. Here’s why? Hell yes, of course I want sex. Why wouldn’t I want sex? Why wouldn’t I want to spend intimate moment with my husband? In addition to that, I also want to be a present mom on purpose. I spent all of this time away from my kids and now I have so many hours before they go to bed.
Why am I so quick to rush them to go to sleep? Well, here’s why. Because I ran myself ragged. I was doing everything and placing all of the importance on tasks and zero importance on being in the moment. Ladies hear me when I say that it is so important we see spend our time with those we love. I’m not trying to sound cliché. Like they’re going to be older and before you know what they’re going to be out of the house. I’m not trying to sound it cliché. I just really want you to, I really want to ask you a question. You’re telling me that it’s important, but yet you’re not making it time for it. Why aren’t you making time for it? Why aren’t you flirting? Matter of fact, when’s the last time you did flirt with your husband? When’s the last time you exchange this intimate kiss? I’m really asking you this because I want you to step out outside of your comfort zone and really look at what’s going on.
It’s not time. It’s where you place your value. What do you value the most? And I hate to break this to you, but right now you’re placing your value on work and tasks, not on being in the present moment. And I promise you when you’re able to go ahead and shift that mindset, things start to change. I’m saying this because I’ve done this myself. I didn’t have time to work out. I would say that over and over, “I don’t have time to work out.” And now I’m working out and sure, I’m working out at like 10 o’clock, even sometimes 11 o’clock at night and I’m getting it done. I wanted to make sure that I was working out after I spent time with my kids and after I spent time with my husband, because my husband and my kids are important.
This bang and body isn’t getting, I’m not looking for another husband. This banging body is for my husband. This banging healthy body is for my kids. So I able to go ahead and do the activities that they want to do and keep up. So if I want to work out for me, it was important. Okay, what am I working out for? I’m working out so that I feel confident. I’m working out so I feel healthy. I’m working out so I felt energetic, and so I don’t feel like I don’t feel this bold all of the time and I don’t feel tired all of the time and I don’t feel stressed because I’m about to go in my closet and nothing fits. I don’t want to feel that those things. So I had to create time. I had to make that time because it was of value.
The same thing with your husband. One thing that Willie and I will do that is really, really helpful is we’ll create the perfect date. He’ll create his perfect date and schedule it and all create my perfect date and schedule it. And I’m going to tell you right now, it is so much fun. I’m not in charge of getting childcare for his date just like he’s not in charge of getting childcare for my perfect date. And so we’ll do that so that we’re both holding ourselves accountable and we’re both responsible for this perfect date. And it is so much fun because I get to see the things he likes and I start to develop this idea of what he doesn’t like and the places he wants to go and vice versa. The same thing. He sees the places I want to eat, y favorite foods, my favorite places to go, see or activities to do. And it gives him this mental note so that whenever my birthday comes or another date night comes, he knows exactly what to do so that we have a good time.
So I’m going to tell you right now, mama, to revamp that spark. When you both work full time and you don’t have time pay attention to where your value, pay attention to where you’re assigning time. And if it’s not on the things you value, then we got to change this up. We’ve got to change your schedule up.
The second question, a better way to communicate without it feeling as an attack. Ooh, I get this question often. Not only from the women I coach, but also from women and men that I see in therapy. So what is a better way to communicate without it feeling as an attack? Well, first you got to get in control of your emotions. You also got to challenge the way you thinking. So we have to shift that mindset. Notice how I’m constantly in that state of ‘you got to shift that mindset.’ You really, really do because most of the time when we’re communicating, we feel like we’re on both ends of the spectrum. And we now go from, you know husband and wife to like, now I’m viewing him as the enemy because I feel like he’s not going to listen to me. I feel like I’m not supported. I feel like he’s not really trying to understand me and all he’s doing is either shutting me down or withdrawing. And so right away, I go into panic mode and I want to say everything I want to say in that moment and it ends up being an attack, everything I didn’t want it to be.
So I want you to be mindful of where you’re at, when you’re having this conversation. And in addition to that, I also want you to pay attention to how you view your husband. Are you viewing him as the enemy? Are you viewing him as a coworker, business partner, roommate, or are you looking at him as your partner, as your partner who is maybe not on the same track as you, but is also in line with your goals? And that goal is to establish the strong, healthy communication and relationship. And if that’s, if you can see him in that light, then you’ll change the way you communicate. And it won’t be an attack.
The other thing, I covered in one of my last episodes about how to have a conversation with your husband especially when he bottles things in. Most men do this. They don’t mean to, it’s not that they’re doing it on purpose, but they do. It was three tips on how to talk to your husband when he keeps things bottled up. And that was episode 59. Totally recommend that you listen to that podcast because it was so good and provided women with so much insight.
All right, next question. Why do women have to do all the big things, thinking planning, reminding and cleaning? Why do men always get a break? Huh? Ooh. Okay, so first off I know you guys, don’t like, when I say this, I know you don’t, but I’m going to tell you right now. If I don’t give it to you this way, then you’re not going to learn. And it’s important I challenge you and help you step outside your comfort zones. Otherwise we’re just girls kicking it and that’s not what you you’re here for. That’s not why you came to me. You came to me, you’re with me because you want true, honest answers and you don’t want anybody messing around, like, just give me the truth.
So here we go. The reason why you’re the one assigned to thinking, planning, household chores, reminding, cleaning is because you have set your marriage up this way. Anytime your husband tried to help you, you would tell him 50,000 reasons why he did it wrong, or it would be met with judgment and criticism. So he essentially pulled back and he stopped doing the things that he did to help you because he got tired of you complaining or he got tired of you telling him he did it wrong. That’s essentially why or on the other end, more than likely you did it and you never asked for help ever. You just did it. And so now guess what? This is all he does. All he does is kick back and he’ll come in every now and then when you give him the crazy eyes. But other than that, he’s just going to kick back, relax and do things when he’s called.
And most of the time women get really because it’s like, I want him to want to wash the dishes. I want him to want to play with the kids. Okay, I get that and we can’t change him. We can’t, like I’ve told you before we can’t change him, we can inspire him. So we get to have these conversations without judgment and criticism. And I know ladies, you’re fed up. I know you’re overwhelmed and I know you’re so stressed out because you’re spinning all of these plates. Ask for help. If he says, if you say, “Hey, you know, can you help me with the dishes?” And he says, “Yes, yes, of course I’ll help you. I got it.” All right, cool. If he doesn’t wash the dishes, I’m speaking to one person in particular. Well, I’m speaking to a lot of people, but 1% in particular right now, and he doesn’t do them, leave them there. I promise you. I promise you, they will get done. They might not get done that day or the next day, or even the next day after that, however, they will get done.
If he said he would do them, let him do them. Most of the reasons why women don’t follow through with this exercise is because of the consequence. “Veronica, I’m going to have dirty dishes. I’m going to have a nasty house. Veronica, you don’t understand. He will leave the dishes there for a week.” Awesome. Let them leave them there for a week. Think about it this way. There’s a consequence either way. You have the consequences of you doing them and being off at them in the process and building resentment, which then drives disconnection or, and that right there is I don’t want to see it’s for life, but you’re on the route to disaster.
And there’s not a lot of coming back from it unless you address it, which means going the second route. And the second route is the route that most of you don’t like. However, it is freedom. The second route is sitting in that discomfort. The second mountain is looking at them dishes and not doing them, sticking to your boundary. In addition to that, yes. You’re off initially, but guess what? When he does him and he sees that you’re not doing them, and you guys aren’t repeating that same hamster dysfunctional cycle wheel, whatever you want to call it, change happens. Sure it sucks initially, but you’ve now broken the dysfunction, which is the goal. Like that’s our goal. Our goal is to break all these dysfunctional patterns. Well, home girl, you’re a part of that. You’re totally a part of that and you got to change it.
So if it’s, I’d rather the damn dishes be in there for three weeks versus me building up resentment towards him. Because I’m going to tell you right now, that’s harder to come back. I’ll be pissed off at him for those three weeks. When he washes the dishes, he already now knows it’s already been communicated. I’m not going to pick up after you. I’m not doing this anymore. And so guess what? The next time it’s time for him to wash dishes, he will wash them a lot sooner and slowly you will start to see change. You will start to see it, I’m telling you.
I did this interview with, oh my gosh, Billy and Brandy. I did this interview with Billy and Brandy and it was like, “Why you’re stuck managing the family.” Girl, Brandy had so many aha moments and that’s episode 58. So if you want to take notes and you want to go out and dive a little deeper and get more tips, definitely listen to that. I want to make sure I give you guys all of the information, all of the resources so you know where to go and what to do.
Next question, how to protect and grow your marriage when chronic pain, illness and depression are along for the ride. Oh, that’s a good one. That’s a good one and that’s a very, very hard one. Very hard one. Here are a couple of things. When we’re dealing with chronic pain, illness and depression, it is very difficult for us to calm ourselves down, regular emotions, insert a coping skill. It’s very difficult. Not impossible, it’s just difficult because we have so many other things happening. And so, okay, let’s be aware of the chronic pain illness and depression. So how do you protect your marriage and allow it to grow?
One, make sure you’re going to all of your doctor appointments. It is very, very important, especially if you’re struggling with depression, that you are working with a therapist and a psychiatrist if needed. If you need to be on medication, let’s go ahead and be assessed by a psychiatrist. Your therapist will help you with your depression, your therapist will help you with coping skills, your therapist will help you understand depression and educate you. Your doctor will talk to you about chronic pain and illness. So we want to make sure that we have a supportive environment. We want to make sure we’re our own advocates and that big box is checked because it’s very, very, very important you have the supportive network and the strong professional team behind your back.
Now with all of those things that are going on, yes, it’s going to impact your marriage. Of course it is. Here’s why, when you’re not feeling well, guess what? You’re highly irritable. You’re highly frustrated or you completely check out, one of the two extremes happening. So it’s important that you’re mindful of where you’re at and we communicate these things. Listen, all of these things are happening either to me or all of these things are happening to you. How do we come back? How do we come back as a team? How do we conquer this together? This is in our lives. This sucks. We can both admit this sucks and that’s where the empathy comes in, that relate-ability comes in. This sucks and this isn’t going to take us down. It’s not. It’s not going to take us down. I remember with Willie, him coming back from Afghanistan, he was really struggling.
He was struggling with symptoms of PTSD and he was struggling with some depression. And I was watching this happen right away because I’m a therapist I wanted to roll up my sleeve, the doctors, and let’s go. Let’s go. I wanted to help him by being his therapist. What I realized was that was a huge no-no. Matter of fact, we did an episode on this and he said, Veronica, it felt like a Swift kick in the balls. And it was like, “Eew, I don’t ever want to do that to my husband ever, ever, ever.” And so what I had to do is I had to pull back. I had to be aware of how this was impacting me and then help. I help myself, and then in addition, ask him questions. “How is this impacting you? What does this look like?” And listen to understand. When I was able to do that, we were able to connect and he opened up so much more to me. In addition to that, he started going to his doctor visits. Like I’m not lying. He started going to the doctor visits, he started going to therapy, but it didn’t require me to do all the things for him. And I don’t want you in that trap.
All right. So next question. How do you establish a balance so it doesn’t feel like you are doing it all? I don’t want to be the only one stressing over money and life. Oh, yes, yes. Okay. How do, let me read that again. How do you establish a balance so it doesn’t feel like you are doing it all? I don’t want to be the only one stressing over money and life. All right. So the biggest thing right here is, do you guys have a budget? When did you last have a conversation about money? I know money’s a little bit difficult. I remember it being really hard for me and Willie to talk about, because he was like a big spender and I was a saver. And it was just, oh God, I try to avoid that conversation at all costs because there was so much going on and no matter what I said, I felt like no matter what I said, it wasn’t really registering. And yes, I was the only one stressing over money and he was like free for all.
Well, I ended up having a conversation with Willie about, “Where do you see us? Where do you see us in five years? Where do you see us in 10 years?” We were able to go ahead and both identify our goals and the minute we were able to identify our goals, I realized, “Wait a minute. We’re actually on the same path it’s just, we’re doing it differently.” And it was then that things started to unfold and it wasn’t so tingled up because now it felt like, okay, “Wait a minute. We’re both on the same page and I just started asking him questions.” Like, I want to make sure I travel when we’re like 70 and I want to make sure we have this amount of money for us to travel. Or I want to make sure that we have this amount of money or these things paid off. I was really, really big. I identified the things that I wanted to have paid off. And that was absolutely golden because that gave him the opportunity to go out and tell me the things that he wanted.
And so it was like, “All right, cool. Well, we’re here.” So we literally developed a plan and our plan involved, Dave Ramsey. Dave Ramsey is like, no joke. I’m not like an affiliate at all, I should be, but I’m not. And it was really getting on the ball and establishing this plan that helped us out. So I was no longer stressing over money and I was truly involved in following through with our goal. With life, same thing. This requires a great amount of self-reflection. What do I want my life to look like? What am I doing right now that I’m not happy with? How and where do I, how am I feeling balanced? Is it with just my relationship? Is it with all relationships? And where can I start to ask for help? And then in addition to that, where can I make changes? If I don’t know how to make changes, will then who can I ask to help me? Like I said, this is what I’m here for. I’m here to help you. And if it’s me. Let’s go. Let’s go, you know I’m ready. All right, here we go.
Next question. I think just talking about the importance of communicating in a marriage is a good topic. Everyone thinks their spouse is a mind reader and then comes in their issues. I’m a huge communicator and my husband wasn’t always, but he’s improving for sure. And it’s making our marriage even stronger after 20 years. So there is a significant amount of communication in a marriage. She is right, your husband’s not a mind reader. And far too many of us have gotten locked into this thought that, “We’ve been married for so many years. How does he not know what I want for Valentine’s day? How does he not know what to do for my birthday? How does he not know what to get me? How does he not know what I like to eat?”
Girl, communicate it. Why are you playing these mind games? Like what’s going on here? Have a conversation. “What usually happens though, is he’s not going to listen or I don’t even know how to have a conversation with them or I don’t feel confident.” Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. These are the current issues you’ve been avoiding. Just like most women have been avoiding altogether. “It’s not a big deal. We’ll figure it out later.” Girl later, isn’t going to happen. You’re going to be down the road five years, 10 years from now wondering, “Where the hell did this time go and why am I still in this type of relationship? I love my husband, but I just can’t do this anymore. And I don’t want to stick around for the kids, but I’m also not happy.” Yes, let’s, let’s stay away from that. Communication is key. It is a hundred percent key.
And I’m going to be hosting a masterclass focused on communication. I want you to attend. I definitely want you to attend because I think it’s so important for us to recognize why it’s difficult for us to be vulnerable. Why it’s difficult for us to actually communicate what we want. Most of the time that deals with confidence. We don’t have the confidence.
Ladies. It’s time for a masterclass and I want to personally invite you. This is a free class and I’m offering it live on three different days to accommodate everyone’s schedule. I just don’t want anyone to miss out on this amazing offer. I see a lot of women get stuck in this loophole of attempting to be everything to everyone and spin all of these plates. Most of them are left feeling resentful, overwhelmed, and frustrated. They know they want something better, but they just don’t know how to get it, or even what it is. So I’m hosting a masterclass for women, just like you.
In this masterclass, you’ll learn how to balance your own needs and family responsibilities without the guilt, how to shift your mindset so you’re not so reactive and how to check in and connect with your husband. If you’re ready for change, then join me in my masterclass where I teach you how to increase connection and conversations with your husband. Go to www.empoweredandunapologetic.co/masterclass. Looking forward to seeing you there.
Next question. How do you both move past bad patches where you both have said things that hurt the other in your long marriage? Oh yes. I’ve been guilty of this too. I’ve been totally guilty of this. I’ve said some really horrible things back in the day. I remember I would kill with words. It was like, whatever I can say to hurt him so I get an expression and then I feel like I’m in control. Oh my God girl did I need help? I learned a lot though. The way you’re able to move past bad patches, where you’re able to reconnect is by recognizing, “Hey, wait a minute. I don’t want to do this anymore.” That’s the first thing, “I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to go out and repeat the same old habits that I’ve done in the past.” And yes it’s familiar and yes, you know, I’ve gone this route and this is all I know, because this is all I’ve taught.
That’s also an excuse. It is an excuse that’s going to lead you on the path towards either separation, divorce or complete disconnection. None of those do you want to sign up for? So instead acknowledge when you mess up. That’s a really big thing for Willie and I. Whenever he, like, whenever I’ve done something wrong, something unhealthy or something that’s completely out of line, it is so hard for me to admit it. I’m just being honest. It is so hard because I don’t want to be the one that says, “Ah, you’re right. I screwed up.” I want to be the one like, “Nope, here’s the reasons why I acted that way. And this is your fault because if you wouldn’t have acted this way, I wouldn’t have acted this way.” Really tough to go out and assume responsibility but the minute that I do, the minute that I’m able to acknowledge, “Wait a minute. He’s right. That was unhealthy,” it changes the conversation.
Sometimes will it gives me the crazy eyes and he’s like, “Wait a minute. Where’s my wife? Which has happened?” But then he like starts to step in and lean in more towards the conversation and we’re able to communicate. And then he’ll even say, “Wait a minute, these are the things I’m guilty of.” And then he’ll start to say, “You’re right.” But that only with vulnerability. Vulnerability is key. Recognizing the things you’ve done in the past aren’t serving you anymore. And it’s time for things to change. It is time ladies for things to change.
All right. How do I still stay true to myself yet be the person you need me to be. The question goes both ways. Yes, for the husband and for the wife, because initially marriage is very confusing. And I think that it only gets worse if you lose yourself. Yes, a hundred percent. The minute you lose yourself in the marriage, that relationship is now going downhill. Like extremely downhill. Imagine you going skiing and you see this person just blaze right past your car, blaze right past you. Yes, that’s how far, and that’s how fast it’s going to go downhill the minute you lose yourself. You have nothing to give because you don’t know who the hell you are. And so it is very, very important that you a hundred percent stay true to yourself. And if you don’t know how, this requires mindset. Mindset, again, ladies. This requires mindset. This requires an increase in confidence, this requires a whole great deal of trust, trusting that you are capable of doing it. And if you don’t know how freaking ask for help. Ask for help.
I mean, right now, I’m on here answering your questions. I’m here to help you. I’m here to help you and I’m not just somebody that says, “Hey, you want me to help? I have like a year experience.” No girl, I have more than six years of experience as a therapist. So I can help you. You have to be able and be willing. Let me correct that. You have to be willing. You have to be willing to start the process towards change. And this doesn’t mean you have to wait till you and your husband are on the verge of divorce. Don’t do that. The minute you start to feel like, “Wait a minute. Yes, my relationship is good, but it feels like it could be better. And yes I have the house, the dog, the kids and we have a stable income and we have the pool and everybody thinks we’re happy. Couple, but just something doesn’t feel right that right there, my friend is when you got to start asking for help and leaning towards change, because that right there, if you don’t grab, it’s going to be so much more work in the long run.
So let’s, if you’re feeling that way now, if you’re feeling as if, “Damn, I’m just so overwhelmed. I’m so overwhelmed and I’m spinning so many plates that I don’t feel supported. I don’t feel understood. I don’t feel appreciated,” girl, let’s do it. Let’s rock and roll. So in order for you to stay true to yourself, we got to build up that confidence. We got to be built up that confidence, and we have to identify who you are outside of all of the roles you play. And that can be easily done. It can be. You don’t have to wait.
Next question. Do our career goals align, and if not, how do we compromise to get what we both want? All God. Yes, yes, yes. Okay, I’m going to share a quick story. I can’t believe I’m sharing this with you, but I’m just going to. I feel safe. I feel safe. This is my safe space, so let’s just go and I could totally trust you guys. So the biggest thing was when Willie retired from the Marine Corps, for me, I was like, “All right, I’ve been waiting. I’ve been waiting. I’ve been waiting for it to be my turn because there was a lot of times where I couldn’t pursue what I wanted to pursue because Willie was in the Marine Corps and he, the Marine Corps owned him. So wherever the Marine Corps wanted him to go, he went. And so I was like on it constantly, like, “I can’t do anything. I can’t do anything,” until I started to work on myself and I realized, girl, you can do it.
It might be you going to college online, and you can. You can do things. And so I started taking little steps towards all of the things that I wanted to do and I really started focusing on what are my career goals? And my career goals were not in line with Willie. They weren’t. I will go extreme here, but this is the truth. Willie ended up getting orders to Missouri for us to leave. You heard me right, for us to live for three years, three years. Mind you, I had just graduated from my master’s program and I was doing my internship, which means you have to do like so many hours while I was only so many hours away from testing. And after you’re done with testing, then you could get your license and you could start doing your own work. And you could be, you can own your private practice or whatever the hell you want to do. You don’t need a supervisor anymore.
So Willie was like, “Well, I got to move and you got to move with me.” And there was a part of me that wanted so badly to move with him but then there was also another part, I had worked so damn hard. I had worked so damn hard in my master’s program. I graduated and now I just got to finish up with these hours. And I have people waiting for me that want to see me as a clinician. And it’s like I got to let go of all of my dreams, everything just to move with you? I didn’t want to do that. And I also didn’t want to lose my husband and I didn’t want to wreck my marriage. I thought my only way of us aligning was if I compromise my dreams to meet his. What I realized was not only is that a lie, I tell myself, but also if I did do that, I would resent him. I would a hundred percent resent him and I’d be so off.
I would be in Missouri, upset trying to figure out my life, trying to figure out how I’m going to do these hours, trying to do everything for licensure, upset at my husband. That cuts way harder than me pursuing my dream. And so we had a conversation. We had a conversation about where he sees himself and what goals he has for his career and I explained where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do and we came to a compromise. We had a long conversation about like the pros and cons and what this looked like. Neither of us were going to give it up. That’s the thing. Neither of us were going to give it up. Neither of us had to give it up.
So what ended up happening? Willie ended up moving to Missouri on his own. We got him a little one bedroom apartment. Did that challenge our relationship? Hill to the yes, it did I’d be lying to you if I said, “No, we were good.” Hell yes, it challenged our relationship. Not as much as if I would compromise myself though. That would have probably ended our relationship. So what did we do? We compromised. He had a budget, by then we already were full effect, Dave Ramsey status, and we had a budget. He had a budget on how much he was able to spend. In addition to that, we made sure to fly him out every two weeks, sometimes every three weeks and just come and visit us for the weekend. It sucked. I’m not saying any of this was great. It did suck, but it’s going to suck either way. Pick your suck.
We did that and it was amazing. It was amazing because Willie ended up going to grad school. Willie was like, “Why have all this time off anyway and I’m without my family? I don’t want to be miserable, stuck in my room the entire time. Why not go to grad school?” So Willie ended up going to grad school while he was in Missouri and he completed it, graduated with his master’s. So by the time he ended up retiring, we were in full effect. Ready to go stronger as a couple. Neither of us compromised ourselves. We figured out a way. We figured out a way to go ahead and make this work. Ladies, if you’re stuck with, “Well, my husband doesn’t listen and this is too much. There’s no way he’d be willing to go ahead and do that.” Okay, there’s issues going on in your relationship that you’re not aware of. If you’re not able to have a calm, open conversation, I’m going to tell you right now, that is not what makes a healthy marriage. It’s not. If you’re not able to do that, it’s very much unhealthy. A healthy marriage involves you being able to have these uncomfortable conversations and come together and align with each other. You don’t have to agree. It’s just being on that same team. So we’re not against each other. We’re for each other.
All right. Last question that I’m able to answer and I’ll answer more later on the next, because I got a lot of calls. I got a lot of, not a lot of calls, a lot of questions. I want to learn how to let go, letting go of the expectations I have for myself and my family so that we can connect. Oh. Oh God, I love that one. I want to hug you right now. I’m going to read that again. I want to learn how to let go, letting go of the expectations I have for myself and my family so that we can connect. All right, I’m going to give you straight up answers right here. No BS right here. You want to let go of expectations? Let’s work on that confidence. Let’s work on that confidence. Let’s also identify what those expectations mean to you? Why is it so important you have them? Think about it this way. You’re telling me all of the things you want to let go of, but you will fight me tooth and nail. You will fight me tooth and nail. So instead I’m going to be on this side of the wall and you could be on that side of the wall.
Eventually you’ll invite me over. Eventually, you’ll realize, “Wait a minute, there is something wrong with this wall, which are these expectations. Let me go and invite Veronica over.” So there I go walking right over, and then I’m going to just hang out with you and help you identify, “Wait a minute. Why do we have this wall again? Why do we have this wall of expectations? What is this? Why is it so difficult for us to let it go? If we let it go, what would that mean? How would it change you? How does it identify you? Wait a minute, wait a minute. Does it define who you are? Does it represent your self-worth? Oh, it does. Okay, now we’re getting somewhere.” So you mean to tell me these expectations, determine your value, whether or not you’re able to meet them. Okay, now we’ve got some work to do.
That’s where you and I do the work so that eventually you’ll look at this wall, this great wall of expectations and realize you no longer need it. You never needed it. Whoever the hell told you that these expectations represent your self-worth was fricking lying. And they’re stuck in it too, because they can’t see past all of these expectations because they’ve been trained and then they’ve been trained and it goes on for generations. We don’t have to live that way anymore. The minute you’re able to let go, you are now set free. You are no longer imprisoned by perfectionism. You are ready to truly, truly define who you are, who you are outside of all the roles you play. And you’re not taking shit from anybody. You’re not taking shit from anybody because you’re able to represent you, not a version, not an edited version because you think this is what works for other people. We’re not doing that anymore. It is okay not to please and appease people. It is okay to embrace who you are. It is okay to be empowered and unapologetic. And that’s where I’m going to leave you guys.
I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. I’m on fire right now. I’m ready to go. I’m ready to like fricking do a woman’s March, whatever it takes. I am here for you ladies. You’re not alone in this. You’re not alone in this and get it. I get it. I’ve been here too. I just shared with you all of these stories on how I’ve been here too. You’re not alone. You’re not alone, so let’s do something different. Let’s do something different before we spend five years, six years, we’re not getting any younger girls. We are not. And I want to spend my life, my young life, I just turned 42. I want to spend my life living it being present. Don’t you? All right. Well, let’s go. It’s time for change.
Many women lose their own identity in the shadow of being a mom and a wife. We are a community of women who support each other. We leave perfectionism behind to become empowered and unapologetic. I want to personally invite you to join our girl gang. It’s a free Facebook community for women just like you. Go to www.facebook.com/groups/empoweredandunapologetic. See you there.
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Empowered and Unapologetic is part of the Practice of the Practice Podcast Network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you thrive, imperfectly. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom Podcast, Imperfect Thriving, or Beta Male Revolution, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.