How do you get your man to do s***t? Why does it always seem like he doesn’t care about the things that are important to me?
I sit down with my husband Willie today and I try to get some answers from him as to why I have to ask him to do something over and over again and I share tips on how you can listen to understand.
In This Podcast
- ‘An emergency on your part does not constitute one on mine’
- Perception and assumption
- How to listen to understand
‘An emergency on your part does not constitute one on mine’
For some couples, many of their arguments are founded on the fact that a partner might not feel like their partner cares about their wants or fears. Sometimes people do not share the same opinion on something, or they do not think it is as important, and in that process that bulldozes over the other person’s feelings.
This can go both ways, between men and women and their partners, however, according to Willie, men usually miss the markers that women put out when they are feeling stressed, unheard, or not taken seriously.
These markers could be those telltale signs of an unhappy marriage, such as pretending to be happy at a gathering, or sleeping in different beds, or not ever having conversations about things other than family matters, or not showing signs of affection.
Those should be those telltale signs that say … she’s about to end this shit and I [the husband] need to figure this out and if that’s the case then yes, as a man, put your goddamn pride aside and go to fix it, do something, because you’re about to lose her and you may not get her back. (Willie Cisneros)
Perception and assumption
In marriages that end up on the therapist’s couch fighting for its survival, often the conflict lies in the fact that there is a mishap between each person’s perception over what is or is not wrong and assuming that it will simply get better over time.
We’re fine, she’ll snap out of it, [the man’s] assumption is that everything is going to be okay when it’s not. Then the other assumption [the woman’s] from the woman’s perspective is that he should know better. He should know that things aren’t the way they’re supposed to be. (Willie Cisneros)
Both parties are usually to blame because they perceive the same things differently and do not work to find a halfway point, and they both assume that it will right itself without them having to do the dirty work.
How to listen to understand
First, ask yourself these three questions:
1 – What is the message you just received when your partner was talking?
What did you hear them say? No, what you think they said, did you hear the specific words that they said?
2 – Why is this moment so triggering?
How is this moment or conversation bringing up some form of pain you have experienced in the past?
3 – Do you feel exposed, insecure, rejected, or judged?
Circle one. Identify what you are feeling at this moment.
Now, how can you listen to understand?
- Repeat what the other person said so that you can hear it in your own voice.
- Give them the space to talk without interrupting them. Ask for clarification when they are done talking if you are unsure of anything they said.
- Do not react to what they said with all your emotion. Push the pause button on what you want to say, let them finish, gain your clarity, and then respond with calmness and clarity.
- If you say something that you wish you could take back, then own it. The minute you are able to take accountability for what you said that you wish you had not, you immediately tone down the defensiveness and you can open up the doors of communication again.
- Marriage Advice from a Licensed Therapist: I’m Answering All Your Questions | EU 61
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Meet Veronica Cisneros
I’m a licensed therapist and women walk into my office every day stressed and disconnected. As a mom of three daughters, I want my girls to know who they are and feel confident about their future. I can’t think of a better way to help other women than by demonstrating an empowered and unapologetic life.
So I started Empowered and Unapologetic to be a safe space for women to be vulnerable and change their lives for the better before she ever needs to see a therapist.
Thanks for listening!
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Empowered and Unapologetic is part of the Practice of the Practice Podcast Network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you thrive, imperfectly. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom Podcast, Imperfect Thriving, or Beta Male Revolution, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.