You’re looking at your kids and you’re attending yet another family event by yourself. You’re wondering why the hell you’re doing this because you’re basically already a single mom. You’re seeing to all of your kid’s needs so why do you put yourself in this constant cycle of deployments? The loneliness and the frustration have you thinking about just leaving him. How many more deployments must you go through?
It’s so tough, but as a military spouse, these are the struggles we endure. We push through because there’s a great level of loyalty and pride we have as military wives, after all, we are all married to our heroes. But most military wives are burnt out, lonely, and flooded with emotions, and today I want to let you know that you are not alone.
In This Podcast
- 5 things you should never say to a military spouse
- Tips for deployments
5 things you should never say to a military spouse
- “My spouse travels for work, so I totally know what you’re going through”.
- “I don’t know how you do it. I could never be married to someone in the military”.
The minute you say something like this, there’s a great amount of shame [and] there’s a great amount of frustration because you are telling me [that] you’re better than me. You are telling me that you have made a better decision, and I’m going to tell you right now, I’m married to my hero. (Veronica Cisneros)
- “You chose this life. You knew what you were getting into when you married him”.
- “It will go fast. Don’t worry, you’re used to this”.
- “Girl, I’m so jealous! You must get so much alone time. It must feel like you’re dating when he gets back”.
Tips for deployments
1 – Take care of yourself
It is important for you to care for yourself as much as it is important to model self-care behavior for your children.
If you have a goal, pursue it! Yes, it’s going to be hard. Do it anyway, because if you don’t, you will resent him for it and resentment is a killer for marriages. (Veronica Cisneros)
Meet friends and family and find support for yourself. You do not have to take care of yourself alone. Don’t be afraid to ask for help with the kids if you need some time to yourself.
2 – Ask yourself: am I on autopilot as a way to avoid my emotions?
Stop hiding them by distracting yourself with tasks or chores. Provide yourself with the opportunity to process your feelings, fears, and ideas. You can do all this with your children because they are going through this as well.
3 – I know you are feeling alone, reach out:
Reach out to non-judgmental friends and family who support you and are willing to listen. If you need help or someone to vent to, reach out, and let it out. Do not hold these emotions in because it is unfair to you, and it will only do more damage.
4 – Take people up on their offers:
If someone offers to help you, take it. We all need a break and it does not make you any less of a parent or a spouse if you need a day away.
5 – Identify what is in your control and what is not:
Remember, the only thing ever fully in your control is yourself, and everything else is outside of your control. Do not take other things on.
The biggest lesson I learned with recognizing what’s in my control and what’s not is being able to realize [that] my husband is deployed, this is completely out of my control. Worrying and distracting myself with nonsense is not going to help me, so what is in my control is me, and if I’m in my control then I need to take care of myself. I need to do what is best for me so that I can consistently show up … at my best. (Veronica Cisneros)
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Meet Veronica Cisneros
I’m a licensed therapist and women walk into my office every day stressed and disconnected. As a mom of three daughters, I want my girls to know who they are and feel confident about their future. I can’t think of a better way to help other women than by demonstrating an empowered and unapologetic life.
So I started Empowered and Unapologetic to be a safe space for women to be vulnerable and change their lives for the better before she ever needs to see a therapist.
Thanks for listening!
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