Here we go again…You ask for help with one thing around the house and the next minute you are, you and your husband are having a full-blown argument and you blow up. Your goal is not to blow up, you don’t want to be that mom yelling in front of her kids, but you have been pushed too far. You are overwhelmed, and you feel as though your needs and emotions have been ignored.

I get it, I have been there too, and I have heard this exact same scenario from so many other Moms. Think about this for a minute…What do the arguments that you have with your husband look like? Does one become the hero and the other the villain?

In this podcast episode, I talk about the impact this has on your marriage and how it can be resolved.

In This Podcast


  • Who are the hero and the villain in your marriage?
  • The impact of the hero-villain relationship
  • How to resolve the hero-villain conflict

Who are the hero and the villain in your marriage?

The hero tends to be:

  • Passive-aggressive,
  • Everyone sees them as calm while their partners feel gaslit and incensed at times,
  • Dismissive of emotions and the issue at hand,
  • Avoidant and withdrawn,
  • They will switch the subject,
  • The one that the children think needs to be rescued,
  • The parent who does not discipline or gives their partner the responsibility of making choices.

On the other hand, the villain tends to be:

  • Explosive and quickly triggered,
  • They become reactive and positioned as the problem,
  • The disciplinary parent,
  • The parent or partner that always makes the decisions.

As I describe that, I want you to identify which one you are. I want you to be careful and … to think about this, are you the villain or are you the hero? Before you grasp onto that hero role, notice how these are both extremes. (Veronica Cisneros)

Neither the hero nor the villain is healthy. They embody the examples they received as children in their past about what conflict in relationships should look like.

The impact of the hero-villain relationship

It comes as a chain reaction: if this dynamic is played out in your marriage, and you are the villain, your children will decide and tell the rest of the family.

The family and friends will then try to step in and “rectify” the situation by trying to calm you down, however by confirming that you are the villain or are acting explosively, you then push down those feelings even more and compromise even more. What results is an increase in power and a worsened condition.

I want you to be able to identify that this is an issue for you. Too many of us go around saying that “it’s not that big of a deal” … “I’ll just do more”. Honey, yes, it is a big deal because working harder and doing more while you are spinning like 50 thousand plates is not going to work. You’re gonna drop them, they’re gonna break. You’re gonna break. (Veronica Cisneros)

Speak up before you take on this villain role.

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How to resolve the hero-villain conflict

Both are extremes and they both need to be resolved.

1 – Identify your role.

2 – What is it that triggers you in conversation or situation?

3 – Identify the emotion that you feel, and when you feel those emotions.

4 – Write out what your insecurities are and work on them. They are your responsibility, and they will trigger you over and over again the longer you wait to resolve them.

5 – Give yourself grace.

Useful links:

Meet Veronica Cisneros

Veronica Cisneros | Empowered And Unapologetic PodcastI’m a licensed therapist and women walk into my office every day stressed and disconnected. As a mom of three daughters, I want my girls to know who they are and feel confident about their future. I can’t think of a better way to help other women than by demonstrating an empowered and unapologetic life.

So I started  Empowered and Unapologetic to be a safe space for women to be vulnerable and change their lives for the better before she ever needs to see a therapist.

Whether you listen to the podcast, join the free Facebook communityjoin the VIP community, or attend our annual retreat,  you’re in the right place. Let’s do this together!

Thanks for listening!

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